..........................

pride

2011-10-29T17:01:00.002-05:00

PROUD of my broken heart since thou didst break it,

Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee,

Proud of my night since thou with moons dost slake it,

Not to partake thy passion, my humility.

Emily Dickenson

being oneself

2011-10-28T12:21:00.000-05:00

attempts to walk, struggle through the leaves, the muck, getting through the fall. the changes. the changing of my mind. pushing past the desire to please. to make you love me. all of you.

longing for peace in the midst. how to be, me. just me. honoring my soul. honoring my quest. my journey. my heart. my soul.

you say there's a lot of my's in there. you say the struggle isn't about that. you say so many things you confuse me.
you the voice that shouts and whispers and hides behind pretty words. you the voice that condemns and confuses.

His heart. His desire. His word. His work. What is He doing?

can we be completley authentic to who we really are and who we are trying to become all at the same time and still be loved? is it possible to let people down and still stand in the truth of our own reality?

the words of one who is wise says, yes.

the walk is about falling AND getting up.
the run is about tripping AND healing.
the climb is about mountain tops AND valleys.
mistakes are expected and accepted.

however many times you get it wrong to get it right is ok. Is this shoving grace in your pocket? I think not. I think it's learning. discovering.

the bottom of things

2011-08-05T13:06:00.000-05:00

Buster and I were discussing grace and grief and feelings and thoughts today on IM and we were both thinking about what we might call our books we write one day. His...
"something along these lines"
mine...
"the bottom of things"
See, that's really what it all comes down to. What's at the bottom of things.
what's really at the bottom is God.
His truth.
his word.
His love.

I want to know you. I want to see your face. I want to know you more.

2011-05-26T23:09:00.000-05:00

So tonight, my mom was going to drop off a car at the train station for me to drive home. When I arrived, I went and found the car, but could not find any keys to go with said car. So, I needed to use a pay phone, seeing as how my cell is off for the time being. None were to be found. A kind man offered his cell phone for me to use as long as I "didn't call any hookers." I laughed and went to dial, but as I did, I looked at the picture on his phone. It was him shooting an AR-15 and I was so impressed that I knew by sight what gun it was. Inquiring with him whether or not I was correct, I got super excited. Ah, the wonders of having dated a weapons specialist for years! Who ever would have thunk it!? Not this girl in a million years. I miss that gun. I miss that guy.

the why's

2011-05-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Reasons I miss them.

Because...

you took me to see girly movies
you wouldn't see them with me but you would pay for me to go
the clothes you wore made me smile
the colors you wore made you disappear
you saw me, and asked for more
you heard me and let me be
screaming was music to you
music made you smile
of the laughter we shared
together we were hilarious
when we talked, I created
our touch was precious
your smell put me at ease
food and smells spurred on conversation
of a convertible and an 8 year wish came true
a big blue truck forever = you
guns have more meaning
my voice changed
montana holds memories
nature means more
i felt treasured and accepted
understood and liked

although you are polar opposites, you share one thing in common...
you are both gone.

you and you and you and you

2011-04-29T03:52:00.000-05:00

Rich deep dirt darker than coffee grounds cover the bones with that scent that reminds you who's in charge. Taking possession of a different kind your timid demure kindness that extinguishes rage comes forth. you'd have done everything and anything not to have hurt me. the blessing amongst the thorns

Wells that seemed to endless were in all actuality short wells. wells that ran dry quickly when the rain stops. when the draught begins. when he walks down the dusty road towards San Antonio. lost in the tumbleweed, is his heart, his soul, his dreams. I cannot be the target for your aim any longer.

Step up to the plate, be a man. recognize your greatness and you won't even hear the other shoe being thrown at your head or dropping. your focus is off base beloved. turn turn turn back around and live.

wake up and smile for there is a happy day approaching. when life will cease to exist the way you've always thought it had to and you wake up. Sunny side up, it's breakfast time.

A litany of rememberance: my Mentee H

2011-01-20T18:57:00.001-06:00

My tribute eulogy remembrance speech for Heather Lynn Parman. 1/18/2011

Good evening everyone!
My name is Kristen Driscoll but most of you know, Heather always gave people nicknames so you might know me as Kristen Ment or Mentor or just Ment. You see, I had the honor and privilege of being Heather's mentor. I met Heather 13 years ago when I was leading a team in Student Impact here @ willow creek. She was a freshman and the little sister of one of my students and now dear friend Jill. However, I didn't get the chance to really know her until her senior year.

At this point in Heather's life she was very different from the woman we all know today. She had this wonderful apathy
and anger
towards God, church, people and life in general. During that year, through asking her to use her gifts in art, God began to break through her wall of frustrations and our team was blessed by her amazing talents both visually as well as her humor in doing games and dramas during team room. For she and I though, this was only the beginning.

One of my favorite memories is the day I became her "mentor." I had stopped by to see Jill and her mom Lori said to me, "Thanks so much for being Heather's mentor." I really didn't know how to respond because Heather and I had only hung out one or twice and never established that relationship. However, that's a really special part about h,
she
chooses
you.

Literally, she decided I was "her" mentor and that's the way it's been ever since.

Mentoring Heather was a GIFT and a BLESSING. She and I met together once or twice a week for about 3 years and wrestled through what it meant to love Jesus. One meeting, she introduced me to the legend that is, "Algonquin Sub Shop" as she sought advice on whether or not to go to YWAM NY.
I LOVE that memory and how it played out in her life.

My favorite part about mentoring Heather was her eagerness to learn and be changed by God. Her thirst for knowledge was inviting. I liked to refer to her as my little sponge sometimes. Days, weeks, and even years later she has shared with me things she remembered from our times together and has passed it on to others in her small groups. She would call me up and say, you have a new grand baby mentee, Ment. That's what she called them. That's the legacy I feel blessed to have been a part of...a mentoring circle that has reached all over this world.

I loved watching Heather seek to understand as the theme today says, how to love people best. One summer we studied "the five love languages", and made it our goal to try and figure everyones out. Go figure...She picked that one up like a champ! I specifically remember her talking about the deep love for her aunts and grandmother, her Starbucks co-workers and customers, Kristen Gac and her heart for special needs kids.

I also worked with her at the Algonquin Starbucks and was able to observe her uncanny ability to remember peoples drinks. For some this may not seem like an important piece, but Heather knew it would make people feel special, remembered and spreading joy as she did to us all.
Hi Carmel machiatto with a double shot.

While mentoring Heather, I was both teacher and student. For as much as I poured in,
she gave back and often times
so
much
more.
She taught me to laugh at myself and about deep deep faith.

Thank you my Ment for granting me the unique vantage point of watching God's love transform a frustrated and angry girl into one of the most
passionate
and loving
women I've ever met.
I love you!

Heather Lynn Parman

2011-01-15T17:52:00.000-06:00

This day some super sad news came my way.

and I am broken hearted about it.

So much so that I don't want to go to bed.

I want to stay up and not believe it happened.

I keep checking fb to see if it's all a lie.

I know it's not.

I know it's for real.

I talked to Jill.

My H. My mentee. Pamento. HP. the joy of one woman.

she lit up a room. there's no way around it. She is home.

take back your mink

2010-07-28T04:41:00.000-05:00

sweating

i toss and turn

giving you more power

dreaming of what you might say

placing the totality in your hands

instead of his

aching to hear you say

yes i want you

yes let's do this

yes, i'm scared but

yes.

and knowing that the answer could simply be

now it feels old

impatient

non trusting me takes over

and I begin to hear the drum beat

a battle is being waged

over my heart once again

over yours

over ours, not necessary how it sounds

protectional hedges are formed

defensive tactical moves are put into action

steel is hammered out

and horses prepared

the epic continuation of a age old war

LOVE

v
FEAR

seperateness

2010-07-15T13:59:00.001-05:00

a hole
a tunel
damp and dingy
musty and cold
you can smell the wet wood
it's almost salty
the browns shadow the grays
i slip on the dewey floor boards
and yet as you keep walking
there is a peace here
a comfort
of knowing that this space is mine.
I've never had my own space before
or one that I recognized
I've had shared spaces
where people came and went
but not my own space
or maybe it's that I've traveled here so infrequently
that I am not at ease here.
it has been vaccant for too long
not in a shaming way
in a real way
like an old warehouse
i shall remain here
find comfort in its walls
create beauty
i shall paint that wall bright blue
the colors of the sky and sea and lakes
and this wall shall remain concrete and this one brick
making my hole a home
pillows and plush carpet that bounces as you walk on it
a corner for creating,
the greatest art space ever
comfy overstuffed big chairs to nap in
chat in
delight in
light coming in from all around
a screened in porch off the end
candles on a table
and the view
tall walls that agree
it must have HUGE walls
because of the treasure this place holds
and a system like at the library
organized files
pictures and places,
memoriabilia
to spruce this place up
to hold it dear
to rest here
to find comfort here
to meet you here
my space
my place
my heart
my home

Be a man

2010-07-12T01:02:00.000-05:00

you are thought.
you are memories.
you are pictures.
you are history.
be my now.

you are frowns.
you are sorrow.
you are anguish.
you are pain.
be my joy.

you are indecision.
you are mystery.
you are charm.
you are fear.
be a man.

watching

2010-06-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

i watch
i ache
and i see
the love that brings people in and out of circumstances
but remains

it is glorious
it is beauty
it is inspiring

i watch
i ache
and i see
the laughter that unites two hearts once again together
and heals

i watch
i ache
and i see
another step along a road that leads to reconciliation
it is draining

but we are not in charge
you do not ask for us to control
to task
to do
you ask us to be
yours
and i am
i wait upon you lord
for you are my strength
you are my song
you are where my soul is
committed
forever
spoken for
claimed
bought
desired
loved
to the depths of who i am
you see jesus
staring back
you are pleased

and I am made whole
washed
cleansed
made new
renewed
restored
whole
white as snow
purified

thank you gracious father
thank you giving jesus
thank you ever present spirit

Love more

2010-06-18T12:13:00.003-05:00

"No matter what happens in life, there’s always something left to love, and the love that remains is always stronger than anything that goes against it."
Dan Baker PhD

I just read a couple of pages from this man's book called, "What happy people know" which we given to me by my Sue. Blown away by the brain talk and loving it, I read on. When I came upon this part of this chapter I had to stop and begin writing myself.

"When I was young, I once complained to my mom that a woman I was head over heels in love with didn’t feel as strongly about me. I’ve always remembered what she said. She told me that no two people ever love each other the same—and that whoever loves the most is the lucky one."

I have been learning a lot about changing ones perspective. Changing ones words when talking to your soul/self. Thought life, etc. And this, my friends is mind blowing. Why you ask, Kristen, is this mind blowing? This is mind blowing because it changes my perspective in a three sentence paragraph. A perspective that I have held onto for many years and one that has not been uplifting or insightful in any way. A perspective and words that have haunted me for a very long time.

Lately, I feel like my soul is being validated in many many amazing ways. Here's one:

The story:
many moons ago, I dated a man who told me one night, "someone always loves more." Now, there isn't much harm in that statement alone, but when you take it and hold it up to the 21 year old girls mind and the fact that she was the one who was loving more in this realtionship and ended up getting hurt by this relationship, it means a lot. It was a wound. A deep wound that felt like it kept repeating itself for a long time.
Now, not to say or declare that these relationships were healthy functioning good "persay" relationships, but that's really not the point here.

The point is, that for some reason, when I loved more, I continued to see it as a bad thing. There are parts of it as the years have gone by and I have hindsight on each of these relationships, where I can see the unhealth on my own part and why I was sometimes loving too much for the wrong reasons, but all in all...the love, wasn't a bad thing. The parts that were good and real and true, were that. Good. One of the reasons I continued to see them as bad was because I thought that loving more meant I was always going to get hurt. And this hurt me. But, from that quote I am the lucky one. And I have known this in parts and pieces and it's not like this is a light bulb first realization of sorts. This is more like the rest of stuff...an onion. A layer that has been exposed to the truth. Another piece that has been healed.

And those that love much are lucky! They are happier. Even in the midst of sadness. I have known many great loves in only 32 years of life and today, I am grateful for each of them, the ones where I loved more, the ones where I loved less, for all have been an education and a chance to grow.
As I journey towards learning to love better all around, myself, others, God...I pray that my eyes are wide open to see every opportunity to do so!

Something new...

2010-06-05T19:48:00.002-05:00

Although I have deeply loved this blog and all things related to it...I am trying something new with a short term blog.

Please feel free to check out what my summer entails here: http://agiftof90days.blogspot.com/

Love to all
Kristen

outloud

2010-05-26T16:19:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a declaration is only words spoken out loud.

Thus it begins. That space between speaking and thinking. Do you dare say what is it that has been plauging your mind for hours? Do you make the statement and let the cards fall where they may?
You know me.
You know the way I think.
Contemplating for hours, cerebrating. Speculating. Trying to decide if I have the courage to speak or if it's even worth mentioning.

Sometimes a declaration is only words spoken out loud.

Void of something more. Cannot be defined. Take the words at face value. Do not add meaning. Communication is not his forte. But there was integrity in his actions and words. Limitations plague his already wounded heart. Excuses plague mine.

Sometimes a declaration is only words spoken out loud.

They can have SO much meaning to the listener. Words...meant to convey a truth or a lie or a half truth. We want them to be true. We long for the definition to match something we know. Something we trust. Something that just might be real.
We fake it until we make it.
Or it gets broken.

Sometimes a declaration is only words spoken out loud.

A sentiment shared through a surreptitious glance. I'm left utterly confused. For weeks. I stand in my questions allowing them to form a sort of pool around my feet. I wade in the waters of my own possible heart break and I decide to believe.

Sometimes a declaration is only words spoken out loud.

just writing

2010-05-25T20:38:00.000-05:00

pain, just feels like that. pain.
Today, I felt it in different ways than I had felt it before and it struck me that if you don't let it have it's all important stance that takes ones life over, it truely can be just that. for a day, for a moment, pain.
The key for me was communication with my Jesus and feeling it.

Words hurt me and I'm trying to figure that whole thing out.
I grieved the loss of a love, of a dream, of a wish.
I soothed part of that pain with cheetos and a good book and spoke truth about how much it did hurt.
I imagined running away from it.
And then heard, declare it.
And I'm trying to reconcile the difference.
To find where I stand
where I feel is rock
and that feels good.

Which didn't make the pain go away, it just made the pain very real.
But not horrific like I thought.
The pink monster didn't have to be brought out.
To soothe.

******************
back in my soul there is a place where we sit and talk.
I picture it like a dressing room, like the one at Emmett's. But it's a big bigger.
There are comfy old couches that you fall into and you sit there waiting for me with such the loving look on your face.
You say words like PROUD OF YOU, and WAY TO GO.
You compliment my choice of shoes and admire my new tatoo

overwhelmed

2010-03-18T01:04:00.002-05:00

just the other day I was declaring that I don't write very often anymore, and yet today there has been inspiration everywhere to write.

first coming from reading Irish blessings, toasts and then from a source that always inspires. Music.
tonight, this morning really, is Brian Doerksen's Creation Calls.

I am overwhelmed when I listen to this song and the emotion it has brought forth in me for over 17 years now.
I am a nature path way girl. I feel God more closely than ever when I experience creation in any form. And this song is my anthem.

I have felt the wind blow,
Whispering your name
I have seen your tears fall,
When I watch the rain.

How could I say there is no God?
When all around creation calls!!
A singing bird, a mighty tree,
The vast expanse of open sea

Gazing at a bird in flight,
Soaring through the air.
Lying down beneath the stars,
I feel your presence there.

I love to stand at ocean shore
And feel the thundering breakers roar,
To walk through golden fields of grain
With endless bloom horizons fray.

Listening to a river run,
Watering the Earth.
Fragrance of a rose in bloom,
A newborns cry at birth.

I love to stand at ocean shore
And feel the thundering breakers roar,
To walk through golden fields of grain
With endless bloom horizons fray

I believe
I believe
I believe

I believe
I believe
I believe just like a child

Water flowing from the edge of a rock, restless
turning misty white as it falls into the pool below
tall evergreens
at the rivers edge
standing on guard
while a deer and a fawn drink from the stream

the smell of tilled earth
just after the rain
a rainbow
dazzling natural colors
the sight of a hawk as it circles in the thermal drafts of summer
a flock of Canadian geese flying in perfect formation

rising from the valley floor
rolling hills
covered with trees
birch,
maple,
elm
and beech
turning fiery red,
yellow
and gold in the autumn air
a leaf on its brief journey
twisting
turning
dancing its way
to the ground
lifting our eyes
the mountains rise
trees
giving way
giving way
to rock,
cliffs,
ice,
snow
glaciers
majestic jagged peaks
and as the sun slips behind the horizon
and night falls
the mountains become silent fortresses
silhouetted against the night sky
the countless stars
shining
in silent testimony
snowflakes
gently
falling
falling
each
unique
whispering
remember the mercy of God
remember the mercy of God
remember the mercy
covering all the world in white
then
quiet
quiet
quiet
of creation
at rest.

yup. overwhelmed.

Some may think it odd

2010-03-17T14:24:00.005-05:00

Some may think it odd that I like thinking about my death.
It's more that I often find items of certain liking that I would either want on my gravestone, sung or read at my funeral.
This is one I found while looking for Irish blessings to send to my friends yesterday.

Remembered Joy
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all...
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss...
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life's been full, I've savoured much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief—
Don't shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.

Also...I want this song played...because I LOVE IT...and it speaks of heaven in a way that makes sense to me and my life.

ERIN GO BRAUGH!!!

2010-03-17T14:20:00.003-05:00

What Shall I Say About the Irish?
The utterly impractical, never predictable,
Sometimes irascible, quite inexplicable, Irish.
Strange blend of shyness,
pride and conceit,
And stubborn refusal to bow in defeat.
She's spoiling and ready to argue and fight,
Yet the smile of a child
fills her soul with delight.
Her eyes are the quickest to well up with tears,
Yet her strength is the strongest
to banish your fears.
Her hate is as fierce as her devotion is grand,
And there is no middle ground
on which she will stand.
She's wild and she's gentle,
she's good and she's bad.
She's proud and she's humble,
she's happy and sad.
She's in love with the ocean,
the earth and the skies,
She's enamored with beauty wherever it lies.
She's victor and victim, a star and a clod,
But mostly she's Irish—
in love with her God.

the bottom of moving...

2010-02-21T22:46:00.002-06:00

So i had this moment last night when I was in the restarant I work in where I thought I was in Montana. Like, not hmmm that reminds me of Montana but present in Montana. I was standing by a table when I overheard someone mention Chicago. I said out loud, I miss Chicago. And that was it. That was the moment where I forgot that I was in Illinois and thought I was in Montana. Strange to think I don't live there anymore.

Bottom line, I love it here. Bottom line, I moved for good reasons. Bottom line, I miss Montana a ton and am trying to mourn the loss of not living there while enjoying my time here. Strange. and good all at the same time.

Chicago here I come

2009-12-30T04:12:00.011-06:00

Strange to think about leaving Montana and moving back to Chicago, but I am also Very excited. I Posted THIS BLOG about what I would miss when I moved away from Chicago over four years ago. And it's great to realize, I was dead on with what I would miss.

I now need to post what I will miss most about Montana.
JD Morell's
Going to movie's with BUCK
Loretta, Nick, Pagina and "Buggy" Andrew Merriman
Cathy and Andy
Kristina, Jerry and Boston and not getting to meet the one on the way when she gets here
Daily looking at the Mountains anytime I wanted to.
Crevier's School and Marty, Taush and their family
As well as all my buds from school: Janelle, Holly, Brandi, Katelyn, Mel, Lacey and Tori
Fishing and swimming in the lakes and rivers and streams and cricks
Exploring the forests
Rhonda, Ray and Tim, D and the girls
Suzy and Brian and their special love and outpouring of friendship
Bo and his gruff voice and warm smile
being a part of a fire department (haven't done it for over a year, but it's one of my favorite things about my living here)

Hunting. Shooting. Guns in general.
People wearing Camo at anytime of the year.
4x4'in
I will not miss the mud. I've never been a fan of cold mud and that's about all we have here. Cold mud in the Spring.
Bean.
McGregor Lake Resort
mark and Julianne
my softball team
The HHP and it's memories. Excuse me, I mean Marion Grill
frugal's ff
Taco John's potato ole's
going to lunch with my auntie's.

What else? It's late and I'm tired so this list may be incomplete. But, I can tell you one thing...I am also looking forward to endulging in many of the things I miss about Chicago.
4 1/2 years here. Memories are not hard to come by, but my oh my how time flys.

A loss

2009-12-01T19:55:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure if everyone feels it, but I do. And so, usually when I feel things I write about them. So here goes.
I am going to plan a camping trip.
I know that may sound silly but here's the explanation. I grew up camping with friends and family every summer. And I miss it.
So, I'm planning a trip this summer. And I'm going to make it an annual deal. Because I think maybe I'm not the only one who misses camping.
And if lots of people can come, then great! And if 2 people end up coming, then great also.

But, it's on. Like Donkey Kong. And I'm wondering just where that saying came from. I'll google it and get back to you before I close this post....please HOLD>
My fav definition given was this..."Game over it is the highest level of go time someone is gonna die."

So technically, I'm miss using the phrase. So, let's see..."it's on like a prawn that yawns at dawn."

the buck story

2009-11-18T10:58:00.005-06:00

11.17.2009
We (Buck, JT and I) started off yesterday morning pretty close to as usual as it gets. Wake up. Coffee. Trips to the bathroom. Start truck. Road Hunting in the Dodge commences.
Buck and JT dedcided upon taking the Pinkham Ridge route in the am, followed up with lunch in town and an east side hunt in the afternoon.

The AM hunt was typical of what I have experienced so far this year. One white tail running away from us.

Lunch in town was delicious. Cafe Jax is an awesome eatery in little downtown Eureka. Filling satiated and content, we took off for Therriault Pass. This pass is Buck's favorite place in all of Montana and we were all looking forward to seeing how far we could get up the pass considering the amount of the snow on the ground. Apparently there are amazing valleys that are breathtaking up that way. This summer, we shall hit it up hard core!

As we are driving, we spot tons of sign. Tracks left and right. Deer. Elk. but no visuals of real live flesh and blood animals. It was us and the snow. :(
The drive was gorgeous! Purple sedimentary rocks lined one side of the road with snow covered white pine trees surronding us. The snow kept getting deeper and Buck thought it's about time to turn around when boom, we got stuck. And stuck we were. JT(Buck's Papa) tried. Buck tried. We jumped on the tail gate. I jumped on the bumper(which by the way is a massive deer killing machine meant to save your truck. Sad to say it hasn't yet taken any lives down!). We chopped down small trees to put under the tires for traction. And then, finally we winched the truck out with the help of a now out of the ground pine tree. So, we thought, we're home free. Just back the truck up to a safe turn around spot, but bam....so sorry charlie...we're stuck again. I believe Buck is the most patient man I have met in a long time considering how many times we actually had to re-winch ourselves out of the snow. I'm telling you this people...get chains if you plan on traveling in the mountains Oct-May in Montana!
So, yeah...here's a beautiful picture of the patient one!!!LOL
Finally, after many attempts we got out and headed down the mountain. All frustrated and soaking wet, we started listening to Angry White Boy music to calm Buck's nerves.
About ten minutes, the music began to take it's affect and we began telling stories of "stuckage!" when JT says, "Deer right!" Buck and I were totally in the midst of a conversation and weren't even looking at the woods so we were a little shocked. As we backed up the truck, we saw two deer. A doe and a forken horn(translated: a Buck with small forks for horns!) So, I grab my Tikka baby girl and hop out of the truck and get into the woods. I am following these two deer through the woods and the shot of Crown Royal I had just taken(to help celebrate our escape from the deep snow) kicked in and had me on a nice buzz. Not to mention the amazing adrenaline pumping through my body. Buck and JT I think moved the truck up a ways as all I could concentrate on was the kill I was about to make.

Ok, now here's where it get a little CRAZY! I am stepping quitely through the woods, like Elmer Fudd, when I spot something I've never seen before. The Forker was porking the Doe! Yes, that's right kids, and please excuse my french, but nature has it's way of blowing my mind sometimes. My thoughts were this:
How can I kill this deer right now? If I shoot, I'll kill both of them. HOLY CRAP...is this real? Where's Buck to explain if I'm halucinating or not? What do I do?

Luckily, I didn't have to think very long, for the deer must have heard me and parted themselves and bound away into the woods. I thought CRAP I lost them, when all of a sudden there they are again. But, just as I'm moving into a better position for the kill, they move again. Dang animals, stay still. (every hunters dream)
Finally, I get a good site in my scope at both of them standing next to one another, but due to the late hour in the day, my vision was thwarted by the lack of light. I couldn't tell which deer was which. So, as I'm about to give up, I hear a rustle in the trees way above me.
It's another deer. And it's BIG!
I throw my gun to my shoulder and catch him in my scope. He is big, and he's a BUCK, I think?!?
He moves across the trees and I follow him along keeping him in my visuals. So, I start talking to myself:Is it a Buck really? If not, I'm screwed if I kill it. Breathe Kristen. You're fine. Just breathe and squeeze the trigger. Do you have a good shot? Put the crosshairs on the white. And squeeze the trigger. and BLAM!

I took the shot. And I closed my eyes. And I opened them to see my deer stumble sideways, and trot off into the woods. CRAP! Did I hit him? So, then comes the next self talk head time: Don't rush after him. Buck's coming, he heard you shoot. Stop and think about where you are so you have a point of reference. Breathe. just breathe. Did I hit him?
So, I started up the hill looking for any sign of a hit. Hair? Blood? I'm starting to bumb myself out when I see Buck walking towards me. He starts asking me the same kinds of questions I was asking myself and as I relayed my thoughts to him, I feel a little lighter. Thank God for help. The hardest part at this time is that it's getting darker. I see sign of struggle and fresh tracks so I begin to follow them. After about ten minutes, Buck and I are both thinking CRAP...no sign of blood when I hear a rustle in the bushes below us. I ask Buck, "is that your dad?" He says, there's something in those bushes and he aprroaches.
"BOO YAW! It's your Buck!"
"Are you sure it's a Buck?"
"Um, yeah and a Big boy"
As I stepped around the tree I saw in all his glory, my BUCK! A 200 lb. 4x4 Handsome as hell Whitetail Buck!!!

i wrote an angry song today

2009-08-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

And so I thought I'd share it. I practiced my chords on the guitar tonight and then this song just came to me. It's a half yelling half sing songy type of tune. Enjoy blog world!
Cross roads
I feel as though I need to scream. Something else is inside of me-crying, dying, trying to get out.
Left to rest as death betrays my fears are sunk my heart dismayed- how can I face this pain all alone?
Behind me is someone else. Beside me a heart crys for help. Before me is life, a chance to unwind. I don't know which wayyyyyyyyyyyy
To go.
The mental note says trust in me-dark ramblings of philosophy captured by a pen and scribe and soul. Foresake the lies and alabis who once subscribed to vicious ties that drug you down until you couldn't see the vision of me.
Behind you is someone else. Beside you a heart crys for help. Before you is life a chance to unwind. You don't know which wayyyyyyy
To go.
Left unaware
Scared and unsure
Drowning in misery
Pain that remains
Hatred and sin
Kisses cannot sustain.

Behind me is someone else.
Beside me a hearts crys for help.
Before me is life, OUR chance to unwind. Please tell us which wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
TO
GO.

winning and losing

2009-08-03T03:59:00.001-05:00

Undone by the gravity of your decision I wake under my sheet finding myself deprived and wet. From tears and sweat and lack of sleep. A flip was switched as your hollow echo lingered on my breath- rent free, you aren't paying for space amongst my thoughts. Yes I think not brave child. Go explore the depravity of your HELL and wade in the pools of manipulation and control. I pray it does not swallow you-I hope you are packing heat. I beg for your sake the fire's burning no coal tonight. Google led me astray-your picture I blew away-wished it a fond farewell and made my peace.

i do find it sad

2009-07-06T17:25:00.007-05:00

when i can't find the time to update my blog where I so enjoy writing and expressing my thoughts to the random blog world for over a month. It was after my last camping trip when I last posted.
it's one of those days where I am preparing myself for what's to come. Already. trying to not control, but just be.
so yeah, here's some fun photos from our trip. And meet Buck. I'll have to tell you about him some other time, but here he is world!!!
It was a fabulous trip as you can see from just the background view. How can you beat living in Montana?

camping

2009-06-01T20:04:00.002-05:00

thicker skin still?

2009-05-20T19:53:00.002-05:00

so yeah, if you read this then you probably know me. cause if you don't and you read it...you must be bored. But anywho...not the point.
My point was to say if you read this you know me. and if you know me you know that I am a pretty darn stinking sensitive person. And if you know me, you would also say that my skin sometimes needs to become a bit thicker as to not get hurt by every tom, dick and sally(I threw a girls name in to make it not so sexist).

Well here I stand at 31 in a conundrum(Sp?). You see...I am still just as sensitive as I ever was towards certain things. I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I still feel others pain. However...i have become pretty good at callousing up my skin in areas that were necessary. Due partly to the fact of my x and his family. They were the most sarcastic folk to each other. And also I have become more able to laugh at myself on a daily basis. This is, has been and always will be a struggle for me as I walk daily through this life. I feel I have a great sense of humor, even better than before, but I still find myself questioning why people can't just be nicer. and not only nicer, but loving towards one another. Show their real feelings instead of masking them with sarcasm. And then I remember something my dear friend Megan once said....
"Kristen, God gave you an extra amount of sensitivity for a reason."

Perhaps, the lessons I'm learning in life right now combined with this truth are revealing a new purpose.

More to come as it unfolds.
Until then, I will be working hard at school, posting pics as they come, and having a happy memorial day! I hope yours is great and restful!

so long farwell

2009-05-07T19:27:00.004-05:00

avedienrsshane goodbye...to your shiza.

yeah, spelling never was my forte. Lately I've been listening to angry music from 2003 era to let go of some pent up frustrations. I write about it often but forget to bring it with me to the library. (where's that help boys?)

I have blue extensions in my hair and I must say I look like a freakin' rock star. Blue is my new favorite color. It used to be pink, but times they are a changing. My friend Jesse said it looks like a smurf peed on my head and went around all day whistling the smurf theme song. It was HILARIOUS!

I love my girls at school. It can be a bit, ok way overwhelming at times having 25-50 girls around at all times, BUT most days I love it. There is a bond, that womanly bond that takes place. I have two very special girls that I love with another edging her way into my heart daily. Lisa, Brandi and Kayla(the edger).

The one with me is Brandi. She and I are headed to Vegas together in June for a hair show. We won the UpDo contest together and will be partners for the one June 1st. We don't plan on losing that one either, but ya never know.
Lisa is my young 18 year old whom I have had the pleasure of talking to about so many deep subjects my head could spin. She makes me giggle and is my co-hort in making school a better place to be. Including easter eggs with candy and positive messages in them. Just wanted you to see a bit of my world blogger type people out there.

I will have to start taking more pictures soon.
Spring is here/summer approaches. I can't wait!

Gotta get to some laundry and a glass of vino with Jessica my roommate.
FIND PEACE.

Holy non blogging batman

2009-05-04T20:10:00.003-05:00

There are few that read this especially since the newness of Facebook has errupted, but I wanted to hop on and update.

I sat here and re-read my blogs for the last um, three years and I am in awe.
one: the amount I used to write and miss.
two: the growth God has taken me through.
three: comments from friends along the way.

school rocks my world daily. I am so in the place I was made for. I love new clients and their hair. Whether I am waxing it off(my newest love and fasination), or cutting/coloring/perming/shampooing it, I am just really there. ya know...present and enjoying the time I get with them. It's a combination of me at it's best. And I really am looking forward to graduation and life and what is next.

Ty and I broke up again. And the closing this time is a goodbye. For the first time in a LONG time I am seeing clearly when it comes to men. I have tapped deeply into my desires and who I am and I want more than what I am seeing these days. I have been reading a lot and spending time in conversation with God about this whole love deal. and it's a good place to be with him. I really enjoy being Kristen.
not married at thirty one isn't exactly where I thought I would be, but it is where I am and I like it. I want to find a man to marry for sure but there's so much to be said for being single.

I miss my family daily. And it's funny because I came back from visiting Chicago during Christmas and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Montana is where I am to be right now. I was so going to move back home. BUT, the mountains speak to me. The scenery as I drive into town everyday is nothing short of breathtaking. EVERY DAY I get to live amongst nature and in creation and I love it. Tonight I am going jogging with a girl from school to ready my lazy winter butt for softball. I started a team for Co-rec from Marion, Kila and elsewhere. We are called "Those West of Town" and it would take you reading my entire Montana life blog to really know the fullness of that name. To summarize...those west of town are just different. I so look forward to posting more about my team soon.

I've been writing again THANK God. And going to church. I love my church and my pastor Levi. He's like a mixture of many of my past teachers and Rob Bell all combined. Haven't really met anyone there, but I go with my instructor from school and her family. It's a really good thing to be back in fellowship and back in great teaching from the word of God.
One of my favorite things he taught on this past weekend was praying from a place of victory instead of for victory. ponder that one...he said it's like if we understood God's omnipotance and character better we would pray for a common cold like we would cancer. Being reminded that neither is a big deal for God to do. Just really great stuff coming out of that church. And the worship made me glad to have a voice again.

what else? Not volunteering right now with the fire department. I miss it incredibly. I rented the movie "Fireproof" the other night and although Kirk Cameron is cheesy, I really loved the movie. So beautiful is the loving work of Jesus. It made me want to get back out there are fight fires. Shoot...5 more months and then I can again.

I am working at a casino west of town and it keeps me up late. I am hoping to either buy a blackberry or a computer soon. Would one be better than the other if honestly I can do what I need to on the smaller version? I really only need internet access and ability to upload stuff. Help would be nice...Justin or Ryan or JD or someone with computer savy.

I miss people that I once knew. I think about them often and wonder how they are. That's why facebook is amazing. So, I'm off to go jogging. Thanks for stopping by. Committed to posting more often.
kristen

a breath

2009-03-06T17:21:00.002-06:00

today I took a breath to let go of the past
and that breath made me smile.
a moment to just think
stand and just be
with the past
and the present
and let go

it's like opening your hands after clenching for so long
it hurts but then,
it's gone
it's over
the pain.
the sorrow

new breaths.
everyone an opportunity
to let go
to grasp lightly
lighter
a controlling nature
living with a ease
an ounce of knowledge that
today is
all
we
have

and that tomorrow
will be
a gift
if
we get it.
and that
i
am
loved
and
i
love
and
life
is precious
and
SOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more.

http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/?fbid=k5Y68sWYTt_

this is majestic

i gave for 2 whole years and all I get is this stinkin' microwave.

2008-12-22T20:06:00.002-06:00

reason #1 to not answer the recently done with x's phone call a couple of days before Christmas about a dearly departed microwave when you have had one or two....

THE RESULTS SUCK! NO matter what.

memoirs of a princess

2008-12-17T15:31:00.006-06:00

the mastered side of me contributes knowledge to my plight
but it's really not worth it's weight in gold. I know gold.
It is this moment I choose to stop listening to the past
and live for the present and it is the same moment those voices are silenced.

brave and beautiful is the mirror image
courageous and yet honestly terrified all at the same time are my hearts tremors.

to live life as a princess trapped inside a castle with walls built to high to climb takes the essence of living happily ever after out of the fairy tale.
For it is written that life was meant to be lived abundantly.
So I will break down these walls with anything that I can grab because
there is not a moment to waste. I will live outside of these walls.
The King, my Father reminded me how undying love feels and he called me lovely.
He gave me a gift. Wings to fly away from these walls. To a new kingdom, to refresh my soul and live freely. See my beauty world for I am beautiful! See my heart, for it has been hidden. And know that I reflect the love that sets me apart!

an ending...

2008-12-13T17:17:00.002-06:00

I don't do them very well but as I grow in this one and only life...I am getting better.

Tyler and I are over and it is a sad day for me. To see something that once was a source of life and goodness end in not the prettiest of ways is not fun. It was good though, because I stood up for my heart. I will miss him and I am sad. I really want to remain open to my heart though...and not choose to close up inside. I want to heal and mourn in healthy ways...So I am asking that if you read this blog world, please say a prayer for me.

desert time.

Life

2008-11-14T16:18:00.003-06:00

there is much to be said in a short amount of time...
school is still great.
waxing is much more exciting than I thought. I look forward to learning more about aesthetics and massage soon. I am cutting, coloring, chipping and perming the hair of all sorts of wonderful people in the Flathead valley.

Mom gets married in less than two weeks and I cannot wait to see my precious little nephews, my mom marry Tom and my family. Also I get to revisit Sedona and spend some time in the sun of Arizona. WOO HOO!!!
I miss my friends in Chicago and around the world and look forward to graduation and my trip around the country.

Things on the home front, love world and work are all up in the air. Tyler and I are in a very strange area...gray. or something like it. But, as we all know...you figure it out. one way or the other. My roommates rock and although I thought I might go crazy being with so many girls at school all day and then being with girls at home too and work...I am finding that the premise behind the Red Tent or many other philosophical female perspectives is true...female bonding is so special. I am starting a new job when I return from AZ. and I look forward to a new area...making pizzas at the best place in town...MOOSE'S SALOON.

In other news...I am writing a book. It's just a fun project for now, but I have a lot of ideas already in play and it's coming along nicely. Even if only for my own reading purposes and journaling devices...it's awesome. It might be called, "And She Loved." The best part is that it truly is therapeutic.

I'd love to hear from you people...so comment away and let's connect if we haven't. Connection is a great thing...it reminds you that you are not alone in this great big world of ours.

I will leave you with a quote I am loving these days...
"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus."
- Mark Twain's Notebook (Harper and Brothers, 1935), p. 344.

wow

2008-09-19T23:29:00.002-05:00

celebrated my birthday...
school is amazing...
i am seriously tired...
and I howled at the sun today...
yes howled. A song said to do it, so I did.
and it made me giggle and life...really
is
terrfic
right now.
here
in the now.
I am blessed with so many things it's hard to speak.
But, to know you are in the right spot...at least with 1 thing for sure...feels amazing.
really loving the truth that took a long time to find.
being myself
I cry because i am utterly feeling the relief of life washing over me a this moment.
and i am
smiling.

dedication

2008-08-27T12:02:00.004-05:00

the one word to which I am "dedicating" my 31st year of life to.
to myself
to doing my best at school
to my goals
to my heart and it's needs
to listening

I am so excited for this new year.
I move into my apartment today in Kila, so I'll have a new address friends.
I have a new roommate, a girl! Jessica. She's an opera singer who moves over here from NYC, her summer internship at the MET!!! She and I will be living in the cutest of cute apartments above a little garage right next to a lake closer to town. Kalispell that is. Being the "big city" near here where I will attend school M-F and work my ars off for the next year. And then, after I take my state boards, my plan is to road trip it across America. West coast-east coast in my car. I am going to go to Texas, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Omaha, Chicago, Michigan, Tennessee, Florida, North Carolina, and New York. I will then, leave my car in NYC with HP and take off on an airplane to Europe where I will be taking some graduate classes in London or Paris and travel a bit over there for another 6 months. Or at least, that's if time and money can afford it. Sounds amazing huh?!?!?!
The excitement level and level of dedication grows daily and I am proud to say that. After many, many, many years of wandering, roaming around doing amazing things, and getting to know and love amazing people, I am choosing now, to pursue my dreams. My goals, my hopes. And with fervor, determination, hope, encouragment and humility. Because honestly, without the greatness of the trinity and who they created me to be, I would be, in one word, without.

So, three cheers to life! And the pursuit of dreams and joy and whatever else is making your life go round. I am Kristen...hear me roar!

And then, there is that...

2008-08-05T10:50:00.003-05:00

I cannot wait to have a laptop so that I can communicate online whenever and from wherever I roam. I moved out of Ty's parents house and now I am a wanderer. For the time being at least. I crash at different friend's houses and my dad's cabin and most of my clothes are in my car. Well, my dad's car. Because my car is awaiting a new starter.
Ty and I have had many wonderful discussions lately and we decided we are going to take a step backwards and date. The pressure that was a little much for where we are at. I sometimes forget to take my time. I like jumping. I like spontanity. But this choice, this decision, is a good one.
I start hair school Sept. 8th and I can't wait.
The only feeling I can really gather from where I am at, is empowered. And it's amazing type of feeling. May it remain for the next year.
Perhaps that's what year 31 of life will be all about?!?!?!

How's life in your world Blog peeps?

so if you like country music

2008-07-27T23:00:00.002-05:00

and you know of that girl named Miranda Lambert you will get this blog easier than if you of the other population of people in the world who do not like country music.

Tyler and Kristen broke up.
It ended pretty quietly.
We heard she made the decision to move in a different direction,
or that's just what they let us all believe.

So I hate to use such a seemingly trite way to let everyone in blog world know that I am in fact now a single lady.

Sadness and pain are my friends, but it feels good to choose a different path.

Tyler was a gift and only a gift to my life.

i long to...

2008-07-07T21:44:00.002-05:00

i really do. Long to blog more and connect with people deeply out there that matter the world to me, but I have been sad. Kate and Mike and the boys(my three nephews I speak of all the time) have moved to Chicago. For the time being while searching for a great job for Mike. LONG story, ask later.

Anywho...I am working three jobs to save money for school that starts Sept. 8th. And Ty and I have been working non stop on the house with any free time. AND until July 4th when they moved...they being the forementioned, I was spending every waking minute with them, moving them and preparing for their departure.

Summer is here and Montana is the place to be in the summer. Well at least in my opinion, since I made my decision to stay here, I am truly happier here than I have ever been. Good choice confirmation? YES.

Fishing, boating, fire works, swimming, even the dang misquitos are making my summer more enjoyable. Probably just because it's here. and I want to induldge. So, I will try to post more pictures from Alaska and from the house tomorrow. But blog world, until I can, please be blessed with joy abundant. I have so many stories I would like to tell.

ok, just one quick thought and then I must go.

I believe that the peace that passes all understanding is different than I ever thought it to be. It is exactly what it says it is. A peace in the middle of a storm...well maybe. But, Kate and I were sitting there talking about how insane things were and believe me, they were. Anyways, she tells me mom said she will continue to pray for the peace that transcends all understanding. Kate, said it's not working mom. AND i said, actually it is. YOu my lovely sister have never seemed to calm as you are now. Not peace filled or peace ful maybe...but peace that transcends understanding that allows you to be exactly where you are, not freaking out, not going baszurk...that's the kind of peace I think she's talking about, the peace she's praying for. And baby...you've got it.

I just think God's the coolest for that moment that day when I saw his face shining on my sister. And I think it's also the coolest that I can continue to pray for her in this way. If you think of it...ask the same for her as our mother is and was.

THANKS...I love you all!

went to alaska

2008-07-02T23:00:00.001-05:00

and that's an update that's coming. Sister and her family...my nephews and her hubbie are moving tomorrow so for now...that's it. I'm sad. VVVVVVEEEERRRRYYYY SAD!!!

They call it blindsidedness

2008-06-11T15:48:00.004-05:00

you know when you are sitting there one day, and all of a sudden one thought, one little yet emmense thought comes streaming into your brain and blows your whole idea of where you thought you were going and what you thought you were doing away?
Well. that happened to me about two hours ago.
I'm sitting there having a cigarette outside in the freezing cold, and bam...it hits me. The one thought, and here it is.

Why would you move to California, spend just as much money, and be in debt when you are done only to leave the home you've built, the love of your life, a place you know where you can do the same thing for about the same money?

And there it is.
The question that just didn't seem to find it's way into my brain to complete my thinking process until today. The question that honestly could change my whole choice to move. The question that I have been asking God to deliver to me, if for any reason, there was a reason why I should not go to California. And the funniest part of my day, the most favorite part of this question is the answer. And that my friends is what I have been trying to figure out for the last 2 hours.

so I called my mom. And asked her the question. And she gave some great advice. Add up the financials and compare. So, I did. And guess what folks, it's at least $5000.00 CHEAPER for me to stay here in Montana. And then she said, if they are close, then you can ask your self how much each piece means to you. So, with the finacials done, and the knowledge that at this point I am just giggling about, that it's less for me to stay here, I am in a little bit of shock. At least for the time being.
See, if you know me...and most that read this do...you might laugh too. Because I take myself to serious. I consider myself much better at making decisions than before, but I still overlook things. And I giggle at myself for the awesomeness of God to reveal his love to me through a question.

my overlooking
I got so super excited about the possiblity of school being free in California that I overlooked exactly how much it was going to cost me to live there=rent. To move there=gas and hotel. To eat there=food. To get new plates and license and other random costs=$$$. The cost...obviously not just monitaryily, is so much greater than free school. So, I filled out the forms and called my mom back and tomorrow I register to start cosmetology school here in Kalispell, MT. And I'm not moving to California, any longer.
I love being able to hear from our Great God and know that he is a down to the last minute, better path choosing type of God. thank you for blindsidedness, for ears to hear, friends that pray and moms that listen. Thank you also great God, for your love that astounds me at every turn. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hi, it's June 10th in Montana...

2008-06-10T16:17:00.003-05:00

and it's snowing. Mother Nature is pulling the wool over our eyes by giving us the belief that it's time to go outside and play, yet, it snowed today. 6 inches. I woke up this morning to Tyler telling me it was snowing, and I'm thinking yeah, like dusting the ground kind of snow. Then, two hours later, he wakes me up after driving all the way to work and back because it's snowing too hard to work outside. I finally drag my lazy butt out of bed, to see this...

And then there was this cool bird...

and now...I'm done bloggin and I'm going home to spend the last 4 days with my boyfriend. THen, I'm off to Alaska. Maybe it won't snow while were there? here's to hopin'!

Check out my flickr site for pics from the last two weeks. A roadin' trip to the woods, the nephews, and Ty's property as it changes. Man, I am going to miss MOntana.

what should I call my future salon/spa?

2008-05-29T21:20:00.005-05:00

that's the question I keep having people ask me or some form of that question.
So?

What ya think?
Some already suggested names:
"Soon the whole world will be silky smooth" by Kiki
kuts by kiki...kiki by design...kiki's kaleidescope (we offer a colorful range of services...)
kiki's kastle (feel like a princess here!)
kiki's dream salon (where all your beauty fantasies come true)...
I think Kiki's Hair-port would be the best.

I could see it now. A white plastic sign, a strip mall store front, next door to a liquor store.
Kiki's Hair-port. Home of the best Jheri curl for White people ever!
Yay!!!!

I'd totally get my hair done there.
Kiki's Hair Palace.
Kiki's Hair Emporium.

I can't wait to see what the blog world comes up with. You can use Kristen too, Kiki is not the end all be all people.
UPDATE:
Soothe

Other names that come up -
- Shade
- Mirr-Ahj (elongate the Ahj... play on words... like a mirage)
- Sha-Twa-Ka (for the fun of it)
- Es Suez (sounds foreign, but what does it mean? I don't know)
- Booshie Tooshie (It Rhymes at least?)
- Play Style
- Style Play
- Trim Da Fat (kind of like a your full head of hair is fat or something. I bet it wouldn't be a winner with most women.)
- Style
- We Bring Da Funk (WBDF)
- U Got Da Noise

Ok that's all I have for now... a little tapped out... Hey wait... tapped out? No, silly. That would be a bar name. "J"
Or go totally the opposite direction and name it something funky, esoteric, and pretentious. So...basically something French.

Salon is a french word anyway.

So, how 'bout:
Salon Bijou=??
Salon du Kiki
Le Poisson=The Fish
Fromage=Cheese
Cheveux=Hair
Coiffure=Haircut

Ah...forget it.
Just go with

Kiki.
Not Kiki's.
Just Kiki.

Simple. Elegant.-nathan

She is sunshine in the spring to me...

2008-05-24T22:34:00.007-05:00

Valerie Jean English Vinson.

The story began years and years ago beside a palm tree. Girls telling each other their stories. Tears fell as did the rain. Then a day or so later in a church courtyard she spoke truth that started at a level 10 on a scale of 1-10. And as we lay in our bunkbeds under misquito netting, laughter and a hard days work washed over us. A beginning of a friendship that claimed my heart.

The years and tears and laughter and love that marks our friendship is of utmost importance to me. She has helped shape me as iron does iron. She has forgiven me. She has taught me to be a greater follower of Jesus, a deeper friend, and a better woman. I am greatful for her everyday I breathe.

Don't know if I've ever posted this*...but it's going to be posted now.

2008-05-20T07:01:00.003-05:00

My guardian

it’s dark tonight and the moon’s out
it’s giving of that eary glow
it’s quiet and damp inside tonight
i wonder, will he show?

my job is to keep the peace.
i am here to watch over and wait.
i am here with direct intention.
i say who gets past this gate.

“i'm sorry, but who are you again?
stay right there, and let me check.
while I run through your past and history
please put this band around your neck.
would you mind we’ll need a sample... of your piss, a hair test too,
AND
would you mind please signing your name, initial here, here and here.
Thank you.

"will she see me?"

maybe, baby.
really, you can't hurt her anyhow.

“can i go inside yet?”

maybe, baby.
you'll only stay as long as I allow.

“can i touch her gently?”

maybe, sugar.
she’s quite fragile as it seems.

“can i sing to her?”

please do darlin’.
it helps to calm her dreams.

her wilted wings, they are tired.
her feathers damp and frail.
her eyes they search for another,
as she sings on the major scale...

“meet me in the midst of this ridicule and laughter.
dance with me in this purple rain.
try to come and understand my disaster.
and feel the depths of my pain.”

okay, we need to go now.
i’m sorry but it’s past that time.
you can see her again tomorrow.
yes, that would be quite sublime.

no, you must leave now.
the exit is right this way.

no, you cannot be here.
it’s bad when people stay.

please, let us be gone then.
the morning is coming on fast.
the daughter she is stirring.
and so are the blisters from the past.

excuse me, you’ve been here too long.
please make your goodbyes and go.
excuse me sir, no pictures.
it’s not a peeping show.

the day it is breaking
the night has gone to bed
the girl she is awaking
to face the day ahead.

i am the guardian of the nightmares
the sandman of her heart.
the keeper of her secrets.
and now I must depart.

I say good morning to the day staff
another grueling night on the job.

“No worries, we’ve got her from here now,
see ya later. have a good day, bob.”

a day of hope my precious dreamer
your future looks fresh and bright
i leave you on clouds of wonder
and I’ll see you again tonight!
**************************************
I miss writing well. I know it takes practice, but as I have been in Chicago, I have seen that aspects of my life that once were, are, no longer. Not to say that I don't write any longer, but there is a serious lack of muse. I know that Mr. L in high school said, Kristen, most people either write there best stuff from one of two places, anger or happiness. It seemed that back then and often times in the past, that rang true for me. Yet lately, I wonder if because I have allowed my anger place to become a part of me instead of this place that was kind of hidden, I lost part of my muse. I wonder if I will or more so, when I will find a muse again. I have a feeling, it may be coming around again. Not the anger per say, but perhaps a new and better muse. A muse that will blow your socks off.
(i may seem so silly to some of you, but I will always be a believer in hope and possibility, and I love it!)
*Posted once before on June 15th, 2005 with comment from an anonymous source!

To be fully...ok close to fully satisfied is a great feeling

2008-05-19T06:50:00.002-05:00

That's where I find myself. Almost fully satisfied with this trip home. It has held many of the things I would want it to, excluding getting to spend more time with Stephanie, getting to see Travis, getting to hug Katelynn and not being able to connect with many friends whom I love and miss terribly. HOWEVER, I will post on many other things that have been wonderful and made my love tank full for at least the next year while I travel to California and beyond.

What makes your love tank full?!

Mama I'm coming home

2008-05-06T10:54:00.002-05:00

Next week Wednesday, I am flying home to Chicago for a couple of days and wonderful nights. I can't wait! If you read this and you will be in the area, please get in touch with me and let's spend some time together!

Peace and hair grease!

sunshine

2008-05-05T14:30:00.002-05:00

tis a great day in the Flathead Valley.
I am full of anticipation and excitement because I get to go to CHICAGO in about 10 days!!! and Perhaps just maybe if I can figure it out, New York and Orlando to see HP and Meggs and her baby Matthew. I am working diligantly to book this kind of ticket. I wish I wasn't waiting on my Tax return so badly. Depending on that money is almost silly to me, but cash is cash, yes?

So, I am only 39 days away from leaving Montana and moving to California for a year to pursue my degree in Cosmetology. It's strange because it's moving forward and it's good and it's hard. I look into Ty's eyes and I know it will be very weird without him in my daily life. I know that moving to Montana was a great decision for me. It was hard because I left everything I knew and went to the unknown. A town of 750? WHAT?!?! But, I had my sister there every day if I needed her. And it's been a journey. Once again I am leaving everything I have known and made and planted here and moving towards the unknown. And now, honestly I am scared a little bit to be really entireally on my own. Dad is near, for sure, but this is Kristen...Me, on my own in a HUGE city. Ok, so kind of exactly like when I went to Arizona. And I did ok there. I guess change is scary though. Huh? It holds all of the emotions that are running through me at this moment in it's pretty hands. Fear, excitement, nervousness, anticipation, eagerness, happiness, lonlieness, etc.
Hmmm, what will it be like?

Today, I have enough to live in though. And I must remind myself of this fact. Of this truth. No day but today.

So, I'm off to go get my hair cut and then work out, and then spend some time with my man. Because that's what today is all about. May you choose to love and live in today those closest to you and be real with them and be near them and tell them you love them. And may you have a wonderful hair day or hair cut.

In 6 weeks...

2008-04-26T22:36:00.004-05:00

...I will leave the big sky country to begin a new adventure. (YEAH!!!!)

...I will embark on the land of sun and beaches....California. (I love the sun!)

...I will say see you soon to the love that makes me smile, and hope for the very best with us. (I don't do long distance well, a new challenge ahead)

...I will drive freeways that are larger than our highways by multiplications of 3.(YUCK!)

...I will be pursuing my dream of one day owning a spa/salon with all that I am. (Finally, and whooo....a sigh of relief, excitement and anticipation)

...I will be living within 2 hours of almost my entire extended family, 30 min. from my dad, and 10 minutes from from where I was born. (Strange and yet so comforting)

...I will be in a new town, new place and new culture. (mixed emotions)

...I will leave my nephews and sister and brother (in-law) for at least 1 year. (BIG THUMBS DOWN!!!)

...I will rely stronger and harder than I have in a long time on the trinity and I will be going back to church. (Peace)

...Montana will no longer be my home.

so much change

2008-04-02T23:37:00.003-05:00

it's happening. so much change that is.
and it's weird. and hard. and easy all at the same time.
I started making changes in my life because honestly, i wasn't satisfied with what I was choosing before. So, here goes nothing.

and there are more coming. Big ones perhaps.
I am sitting. listening. and in the greatest place feeling wise I have been in in a long time. Like you know it's here. or coming. So I am waiting for news. and waiting to make a decision. and eagerly awaiting the next steps.
Feet move swiftly and surely.

DAMN it feels good to be on solid ground when you are completely unsure of what the future holds.

It's like Lionel Ritchie says, OH....What a feeling! Or is that the Toyota commercial where the girl or guy is jumping high into the air!
I promise that this post will make sense in the near future. For right now, I just needed to and wanted to, post.

Love to all of you out there that I don't get to see often enough to make the ache in my heart go away.
Know my heart aches for you in the good way.
Peace my brothers and sisters. Peace.

The coolest

2008-03-10T16:24:00.003-05:00

It's the coolest thing when one of your best friends is celebrating! I can't wait to meet Megan and Andrew's little Matthew Robert!!! Due here, any day now...Ok April 10th, but who's counting. Oh yeah, she is. It's unreal the wonderful girly things you hear from your bff's when they have little men inside of them poking around and making putting on shoes a chore.

Isn't she just beautiful!!!

some diddys for today

2008-03-07T14:41:00.005-06:00

MISSING
the mystery of why has been setteled many times over.
and yet,
the absence of his voice rumbling through my head is startling.
Perhaps, it's pleasing?
OR
maybe just maybe
it is what I wished for.
It is utterly fabulous!
OR
maybe just maybe
it is my worst fear.
Is it drastically disturbing?
Most likely, it is
both
at the same time.

AHHHH balance....you thoughtful word, you!

HE
he was once a coward.
with his tail between his legs.
but hope, she brought him courage.
and courage, he gave him wings.
and wings, they took him so very many places
and places, they took him from me.

thank you places.

LOSS
the healing part of loss can sometimes hurt the most.
and the day you wake up and realize that it's gone is a most remarkable day.
something that was forever just a part of you,
is no longer.
and something you almost came to depend upon,
is gone.
the loss teaches us to adapt well and hope allows us to
move on, love well, forgive and remember the lesson, not the hurt.

Redemption?
i believe it can be.
i believe he is.
i believe it is.

TODAY
today the blossoms eagerly wait to become buds
life reveals that it is not yet time
passionatly I set out to awaken my spirit.
my soul is inflamed with much to be shared and
given away.

"today is the day of recogning!"

"FREEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!"

"giveitusfree...."

my youngest nephew

2008-02-28T10:54:00.001-06:00

I get to babysit this cutie today and it's too much fun!

02.20.08

2008-02-20T17:55:00.002-06:00

i have some exciting news...
tyler just gave me the plans, the drawings, the layout for our new home!
it will be a little cabin in the woods with a barn type of roof and a covered porch.
this one will have plumbing
and electricity
and windows
and a wood stove as well as electric heat for necessary moments
like when tyler comes home and has been in the freezing cold all day and cannot get warm.
he can shower and be warm because the other heat has kept our house warm all day long.
what joy!
i am super excited about this. we will be breaking ground as soon as the first thaw happens.
it's going to be on 4 1/2 acres and not visible from the road or his dad's house. right smack in the middle of the trees. With a drive way that isn't so steep that one can take his or her car/truck/automobile up and down it to and fro any day of the year as long as we plow and don't have 4 feet dump over night. Could happen. Never know.
so...besides needing to find work, and saving and planning for school...that's life. and life is good.
I love moving forward!

To you my froggie friend

2008-01-29T18:02:00.000-06:00

a covered porch is one way in which I will always speak of you. to mine and to yours.
a place to share my deepest thoughts, fears and dreams.
a covered area to sit, to snuggle, to smokethe lazy days of summer away.
a place where pushing hours of wax on top of hours of wine on top of hours of laughter and tears became the norm for many many nights.
a porch that determined the mood of our night.
Wisdom came at us all too soon as we felt each others angst to be older, smarter, skinnier, bolder, less bold, more clarvoiant but
Moreso
to just be.
And we were.
And we are.
And we will be.
all of those things.
Because porches my dear are our place. Or at least today, for the moment as I write this... I am moved by my memories of you and our place in this world together.

i just figured out what I'm calling my new years post...

2008-01-16T18:09:00.000-06:00

525,600 minutes.

oh this is funny...

2008-01-16T15:51:00.000-06:00

In the style of my dear friend ANNA I have to post this conversation.

Two nights ago, I needed some Kristen time. So, I went upstairs to make dinner and listen to CHESS. I had just found the CD in my stuff and I was dying for some musical inspiration. Tyler walks upstairs and turns around to head back downstairs(Musicals aren't his gig).

Later as I was singing...
Him: "Your voice was made to be sung from a theater."
Me: "Thank you sweetheart!" BEAMING
Him: "Seriously, I think you were made to be in musicals!"
Me: "Thank you again shoogs(short for Sugar, not sure how to spell it)! But, I'm really not that good at acting."
Him: "No one acts in musicals, they just sing. Yeah, there's no acting in musicals...well, except of course Grease."

I died laughing and couldn't stop. Neither could he.
Bless his musical hating heart.
As Cake so wonderfully says it.....
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhaps, one day he will find a space for masterpieces like Joseph or Miss Saigon or Phantom or Les Mis or many many many more. Cause if you refer to this past blog you'll begin to understand my passion. There, I said it...it's like his hunting...and he gets it. May not appreciate it, but he gets it.

lots going on....and nothing much to say

2008-01-14T16:49:00.000-06:00

It's a quiet season of my life right now. Seasonal positioning....I like to call it. Hybernation. So, expect to probably see little of me for awhile. But I remain, faithfully....living.

thanks val

2008-01-07T17:10:00.001-06:00

the simplest songs, words, pictures, faces can sometimes push you right over the edge of a cliff you've been longing to jump off of
but
just
can't.

And then they hit you. They hit you and you fall face forward into the abyss that is...Freedom. I have spoken on it in the past. The free fall of freedom. And because I have actually experienced free falling from an airplane, I now know more than I did before of this truth.

And Val, you did it. your blog today, pushed me right over my edge. I can't stop singing it. I can't stop thinking about it. Pure and Holy passions. Magnificant obsessions. And it's sending me towards what I know is Freedom. For I have fallen before. And I choose to fall hard now. And I can hear the voices of friends I know sing it. I can picture a piano in a chapel in the middle of the work day. I can see a guitar and a roof top. I miss my fellowship. Not much of that here. Actually, the last time I got to sing worship with anyone was WAY too long ago. Easter maybe. How do you make those changes in your life? Once it was just what I did. Every Sunday, often Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I was at church. And that is not what I know life would be like now, but one day a week given over to practicing the discipline of gathering together. And how...
But perhaps that is the best part about freedom. How it changes. And how, I honestly have NO idea what it will look like this time. Or what it will feel like, but I know that the beginning is feeling familiar. And
IT
rocks!

I had some fun at work today!!!

2007-12-21T18:33:00.001-06:00

I got to play Santa at work today. And here's a few photos from my phone. Yes, I took them of myself. That's what kind of fun day it was today. Drank a 16 oz. Guiness with my boss at lunch, played Christmas carols all day and had a bunch of fun with the office girls. They voted me in as Santa again for next year. Oh, can you imagine the fun we will have!!!!

Lippy Santa
A side view
did you ever know santa had such blue eyes
Silly Santa
Kissing Santa

Where's the mistletoe? Who needs it when you have lips like theses!!!

HO HO HO...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

I pray everyone has the best Christmas season of their lives. Jesus loves you!!!

thought for today

2007-12-20T17:10:00.001-06:00

unrest is unbecoming
UNLESS
you harness it and move forward from it
to figure out what is going on.

These are a few of my favorite things...

2007-12-14T08:33:00.000-06:00

Have you seen that new commercial for American Express or Visa lately? It has the song that goes along with my title in it. And lately, I can't get it out of my head. So, I thought I will blog on it. And after last night, it is an easy task. one of my favorite things about Christmas is christmas pagents. Last night was my oldest nephews 1st ever Christmas pagent. Michael is in kindergarten and goes to a catholic school here in Montana. It's great to hear him say how cool it is to learn about God while at school. It's been incredible to watch him grow in wisdom and stature. And last night I giggled as I watched him play with his friends and sing twinkle twinkle little star. I never thought of it in the Christmas sense. "Twinkle Twinkle little star..." "...And a star appeared in the east..." But they used it that way last night in the pagent and I loved it. As I sat there I watched girls almost bust as they tried so hard to sing and not make each other laugh and remembered my 7th grade christmas concert. Jack and I were in the back row and along with Joe, Ryan and Libby Randall and the lot of us almost all got in so much trouble. I recall strangely Jack's face turning a strange color of red, and him sweating so badly it made us all laugh hysterically.
But for me, laughter at serious times is pretty common. My sister and I have been doing it for years. And in the worst places too, church especially. And it was catching. Poor Erica. Back in jr. high she and I were the acoloades at church. You know the ones that light the candels before the service begins. Anywho...almost every sunday we had to sit up in front of everyone and try our darndest not to crack up. The truth is, it really was Mrs. Kings fault. She was this lady who sang in our church choir and she was one of those open mouthed singers. And when I say open mouthed I mean as wide and large as her mouth would go would be the amount she opened it when she sang. And out would come this operaic(is that a word?) sound. So, I would copy her to make Erica smile. But then, she would smirk and giggle just the faintest bit and off it went. The non-stop masking of laughter. And seriously folks it almost became an epidemic one Sunday. We weren't up in front, this Sunday my family sat by the Metz family who sat by the Arnesen's who sat right behind the Fabers. And what do you know? Laura and her sister Carrie, my sister and myself and Erica all had the can't hide it-don't fight it- non-stop-abounding from the inside giggles that morning. I think each of us got "THE LOOK" from our moms and dads at least 10 times, but nothing would stop it. I almost chocked once which didn't help things because once you see someone try to not laugh, and choke...the automatic response is to laugh.
But, thank God I've grown up.
Honestly, not really. I'd be lying to you if I said in our thirties Kate and I are any better. We can barely sit through an entire chruch service and not giggle at least once. Last night, thank goodness it was permitted. Everyone was cheering and giggling. And that my friends is the long story of why Christmas pagents are one of my favorite things...you get to laugh in church.

My dog, my tree and my boy

2007-12-12T20:00:00.000-06:00

changes

2007-12-11T10:23:00.000-06:00

Ty and I cut down our tree this weekend and the house is now almost completly decorated! It's the first time I've shared a tree with a boy. Firsts...at 30! I cried a lot this weekend, thinking of my family. Missing decorating the tree with my mom...but the boy did such a great job at being what I needed. He said quite a few amazing things this weekend that helped to center my soul. I love that about relationships and getting to know each other better. A person can speak right to the part of you that is mourning and comfort you. That type of connection was what I was missing. Years of doing something together with the same people. But, making new memories, changing, it happens and can be magnificant. It makes me very pleased to see balance in such clear ways in my life. In other news...I finally get to speak of some exciting news. My mom has been dating a wonderful guy for about 2 months now. His name is Tom and they are coming to visit us in January! I can't wait to meet him. He's making my mom super happy and that is the greatest deal ever.
It's supposed to snow all week and this Sat. I will be having a sledding party with a lot of the local towns folk as well as the kids! I cannot wait...it's WINTER!!!

P.S. How do you like the new look. Christmasy? Trying to find something better. Maybe katelynn can make me a new banner? Changed my links as many have fallen by the way side.

morning thought

2007-12-05T08:55:00.000-06:00

This morning before starting my work day I had a funny memory. It was of a comedian whom I had seen about 10 + years ago. His act was all about women and the strange things we do. He was going on about how we try to talk on the phone, dress ourselves and drive all at the same time and wonder why we get in accidents. He was also asking what was up with the open mouthed mascara deal. Why do women have to stand so close to the mirror and open their mouth as wide as possible while applying eye makeup. Do they think it's going to help?

Now the funny part is why I remembered his little act this morning.

Answer: because as my GM walked in to the office this morning, I was applying mascara, wide mouthed, and as close to my little compact as possible!!!
Just goes to show you...how things people stay stick with us.

Fun stuff

2007-12-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

Go here to see your name in Japanese thanks to NATHAN I remember listening in awe as he would ramble words off back in the day. Omaha...what memories!

I live for little moments like that

2007-12-03T20:52:00.000-06:00

when your heart aches so deeply because of connections you have made with another human soul.

Nicholas turned 4 yesterday and it is one of the most fun nights I have ever had with my family and my love. We laughed so hard it hurt my belly. And then when we got home...Ty said, I know what you mean now when you say it hurts sometimes to hang out with your family.I want to have children of our own soon...and watching them grow up and playing together and loving them TOGETHER.

I live for
little moments
like that.

I got um'

2007-11-30T18:24:00.001-06:00

Gary sent the camera in and I now am the proud owner of three really great pictures of me and my doe. As soon as I can scan them, I will do so. One of them is so cute it might just become my next headshot. Head SHOT...hunting humor for those who didn't understand.

I have found myself using all sorts of interesting speech lately. On Anna's blog, in everyday conversation and on the phone with customers. I think now more than ever I am in desperate need of a trip to Chicago. Back to my roots, back to those that use pretty talk as folks round' here would say and back to my mommma's hugs. Sweet home Chicago!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Ty and I were watching CSI:NY and the best part of it besides the fact that CSI ROCKS HARD...is that half of it was filmed in Chicago. Everytime they panned over the city's skyline I got silly and giggly and mourned for a moment. Because that is what you do when you miss something. You mourn and move on. Ty started watching me each time and as it neared the end, he said, wow I can't believe you really love something so ugly. I turned to him and before I got the words out of my mouth, he said, "I know sweety, beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Exactly.

no elk in sight

2007-11-30T18:22:00.000-06:00

sad days for Tyler and I. Gary has an elk in the freezer. We don't. They have extended the season many days, and we STILL don't have one. maybe tomorrow.

Since opening day...

2007-11-14T16:32:00.000-06:00

I have shot two deer.
Let's start at the beginning though.
Opening day:
Went out in the woods at 4:30 am with Tyler, Gary(ty's dad) and Ginnie (ty's step mom). We hiked for a long time to get to the place where Tyler had seen the monsterous Mule Deer* last year. As we hiked I remembered everything I loved about hunting yet quickly watched it go out the door with every hill we climbed. And when I say climed I mean straight up these beautiful mountains I call home. It had snowed the 3 days prior to opening Sunday so it was wet as well. I am not complaining just setting the scene for you. As we are hiking, we are looking. I forgot that deer change colors when seasons change, so it was funny to me when I couldn't see what Ty was trying to tell me was a doe's butt. WHERE? WHERE? Where? I kept whispering. Oh, that thing.
Ah...yes, it was dark brown and greyish like the trees, not light brown and tanish like I had seen all summer and early fall.
So, we saw the butt of a doe and kept walking. As we neared the peak, it started getting very foggy. Gary all of a sudden got super excited and Ty and I ran up to where he was. When I say run, I mean creep as silently as possible through the snow up hill towards Gary as fast as we could. Out of breath and trying not to cough I bring my gun to my shoulder. There it is. A monster. And there it goes. Gary starts moving towards the right and heads uphill.
"Kristen, follow my dad and stay on him." Ty screams quietly.
Gary and I are try to get around the other side of where we saw the monster and Gary sees them again. Yes, I said them. There are now 3 monsters. I am keeping up as best I can. Let's try to get up to that next tree stump so you can get a better balance. And there we went. I am on my knees, Gun at shoulder, staring down the scope when all of a sudden I see it. The monsters butt in my scope. It felt like forever as I am waiting for him to turn so that I can get a shot. ***************See....the HUGE disclaimer here is that Ty and I had gone over every shot in the book, except the butt shot.************
So, Gary says, take the shot.
I'm all....I can't.
He thought that meant that I couldn't see it, but I was waiting for the shot. And then they smelled us, saw us or something because off they went and down my heart sank.
25" spread...huge Mule Deer.
All I could think of was Tyler saying Do not shoot the hind quarters. So I didn't. But what I didn't know was that you shoot wherever you can on a monster of that size to drop him because monsters of that size don't come around all that often and it's a trophey kill not a meat kill. So, I guess although that deer will haunt my dreams, lesson learned.

Day two(following Wednesday): nothing seen nothing killed

Day three(second Saturday): a couple of white butts

Day four(second Wednesday): Gary and I go up to my dad's cabin and hunt around there. It's early so we wait for the sun to come up further. Gary spots a large bull elk, but due to the crunchy ground and no thaw, we made too much noise to come up on this giant. Gary's excited though because after hunting every day since opening day, he's finally seen an elk.
We hunt for two more hours and on our return home, we scare another elk. We try to track him for a little while but we are unable to find his tracks after a little while. Gary all of a sudden ducks down and says there's a doe, you want her? I'm all she's pretty small. Gary laughs, "she's not that small." All I could see from the sunlight reflecting was a small head. So, I say, yeah, I guess so. And stand up to take my shot. I have her head in my scope and BOOM. I shoot.
And I TOTALLY miss. Small target Gary says. I look at him and say should I shoot again. Learning how to do things in hunting, the ins and outs and norms is a fun game for me. Gary's all, hell yeah, she didn't even move. So, I pull my rifle up again, and there is the perfect shot...I aim right under the shoulder at the heart and BOOM. Kill shot. She moves about 10 yards and falls. Gary and I start shouting. My first kill.
I suddenly start to tear up. WOAH. I say a prayer of deep thanks to God for the life I have taken and the blessing it is to hunt and be a part of the creation circle. Then I go over to watch Gary get to work. I hit her in the lungs and did a little damage to her shoulder but no guts or anything else major.
We gut take a bunch of pictures, gut her out and start down the mountain to the truck. Gary was wonderful and wouldn't let me help. Partly because I was so excited to gut her, that I my finger open with my brand new knife.

Pictures of her to follow...Gary hasn't developed them yet. but here's on from when we got her home.

Day five: (Third Saturday)
We, ty and I, return to the scene of the MONSTERS. Right as we edge the first turn, Ty says it wouldn't surprise me to see one right around this corner. And...guess what? There around the first corner are three does. Now, in Montana you can't shoot Mule does and I had already filled my B tag so does aren't my desired kill now. Bull Elk/Mule or Whitetail bucks are what I am pursuing. So Ty says, keep watching those doe because it's rutting season and a Buck can't be far away. So, as I am watching ty's right. There in front of me at about 150 yards is a 2x3 Muley Buck. So, I bring my gun to my shoulder and try desperately to find my buck in my scope, but he's a movin'. So, Ty says shoot only when you are ready. And so I do. But, LESSON 2 learned...you have to range uphill differently than if you are downhill or straight on. Yardage comes into play and things can get complicated. So, story be told...I miss. Right over his front shoulder. But, just like my doe he doesn't really move much. He starts walking about 10 yards and I get another shot. Ty says get closer and prop up against something so you can be more comfortable. I start climbing a very steep hill towards my buck, and I cannot get ther fast enough or get comfortable. Ty runs up there with me and says shoot it, so I take a shot and Blam, miss...my buck starts running. Ty doesn't want to let this one get away so he takes the shot and misses. But his next shot takes him down running. Up the hill Ty goes after him. And about 15 mintues and 45 grouse possibilities later he finds him dead. The nice part about getting your deer on a slope is that gravity works with you!!! We drag Ty's buck down the hill and gut it out. It's been gut shot and part of the hind quarter is ruined but, it's a nice 2x2 Mule Buck. Sure will be tasty Ty smiles. We take some pictures and start dragging it towards our decent point.
Ty thinks it would be great for us to both get a buck today so we decide to continue hunting. At this point I am super dissappointed because I know I am a better shot then what is happening. Tyler reminds me that he missed too and that I should give myself a break. It's your first year Kristen. I didn't get a deer until I was 17 and I started when I was 9. I feel better kiss him and head down the road, lighter.
Again Tyler says, "Baby, last time I came around this corner there were two deer just standing in the middle of the road eating," as we round the corner and Ka Blam...there they are. Two deer standing in the middle of the road grazing on grass. Ty's all get on your knee and shoot that buck. I'm all Ty it's a doe as I have the only deer I can see in my sights and there are obviously NO horns on this deer.
NO, he looks at my barrell and says, move over two more feet to your left. I quietly and quickly move two feet to my left and see the buck he's talking about. It's a little forker but I am so excited I take the shot. BAM...a hit. My buck starts to move and Ty and I start running towards it. On the left is a huge ravine, our decent towards the truck but vastly covered. We do not want my buck to get down there otherwise we are searching for a long time. As we get closer I see it standing with it's shoulders hunched up in a cat like position 20 yards from the edge. Ty says shoot it in the head...take it out. I say, can't you just go over there and slit it's throat? No he says and explains to me why. LESSON 3 learned: Do not approach a wounded deer unless you know it's super close to death. You can get hurt by an animal very badly and they are super aggressive, which is understandable.
I take another shot and miss it's brain by an inch. Which by the way blows up the entire side of it's face as the bullet exits. Pictures to follow. That shot should have dropped this deer, but it's determination is extreme! Tyler takes out his gun and misses. I am so glad now that he and I both miss. Then he pulls out his 22 pistol and shoots my buck 3 times at very close range in the head. The last one pops into the brain and BAM...he's down. We gut him, take pictures and starts dragging him towards Ty's buck.
WHAT A SUCCESSFUL DAY! I will tell you LESSON 4 learned.
When trying to drag a deer downhill, two things to know;
one: stay out of the way if he gets going faster than you
two: kellyhumps* need momentum to get over when you are dragging a 150 lb. animal behind you.
Ty made a strap for me and I placed it aroudn my waist and there I went downhill towards our truck with my buck in tow, smile as large as can be on my face!!!

Hopefully an elk story will follow this one. Sorry for those of you who actually read this entire story. I know that it may seem so exciting to me, but may be entireally boring to you!

DEFINITIONS FOR THOSE THAT NEED IT
Mule deer: a deer, Odocoileus hemionus, of western North America, having large ears like a mule and a gray coat.

Kellyhump: earth boundaries, sometimes man made to stop off road vehicles from crossing into private land, certain areas or roads.

strange to think about....

2007-10-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

so I thought that because I had turned 30, I was no longer going to be called young one or youngin or young lady. I thought perhaps I had reached the age where that goes away. Not so. But it's ok. Cause I still like being young.
The funnest part of my life these days consists of normalcy. I had to get through a tough little spell where I was convinced that lifes adventures had gone away, but I know that there is so much to be lived in the day to day and like I said I just needed to get through it. And so I'm over it.
And in a place where my day to day is beautiful. I think it was a move towards more balance in my life. Cause that is how it feels. Like, I am doing things that I never would have before or if I would have it would have taken me longer to do so. Like for instance...
My boyfriend basically told me something that normally would have made me jump up and down for like 12 minutes and get all crazy, but I remained totally cool and it was like, yeah, this is right. NOT this is AMAZING! I don't know it just felt more mature. Not that I am losing any of my fun Kristen side. That will never go away, but it was a sign to me that I am a grown up in very cool ways. ANd I know that to most people that won't make much sense but to me, it meant something. I also have found just a whole lot of balance in my yes's and no's and boundaries. It is truely a blessing to sit back and see the work the Lord has done in ones life. Especially with others, but a whole other side when it's your own self and soul. INCREDIBLE!

Speaking of my boyfriend Tyler: I pondered the other day if you all know anything about him. Have I ever posted about just him? SO, I went back and looked. I want those of you who read this to know the man I love so deeply and until I can get him to Chicago with me, that's literally impossible. SO I am going to spend a couple of blogs posting about he and I.

OH Yeah AND 1 more thing
This Sunday is Opening day for deer and Elk rifle. I am so excited I cannot even tell you. I will hopefully be shooting my first deer. I have a doe tag(B), a buck tag(A), and an bull elk tag. The funnest part about it all is that my insides are so excited. I never knew I would like this hobbie. I will post more soon. After my first kill and hopefully have pictures.

a diddy

2007-10-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

Got this fun thing from Katelynn
Everyone's doing it...you should too!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) - Groovy Sentra

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) - Mint Chocolate Sugar

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) - K-DRI

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) - Pink Penguin

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) - Anne Hollywood

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) - DriKr

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink) - The Green Water

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) - Alan John

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) - Grace Awakens Take Five

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) - Don't have one Alan

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) - Jackson Juno

12. SPY NAME/BOND GIRL: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) - Summer Alchymist

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”) - Strawberry Jeanie

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) - Pancake Tamarack
OR Pancake Aspen

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”) - The Kareoke Warm Rain

What does this mean?

2007-09-19T16:20:00.000-05:00

There are more days lately in my life that I have more questions than answers. What does this mean?
Do I ask too many questions for my own good?
Does my brain work on overload?
Do others think like I do?

See what I mean.

So, today while talking with MEGS online, I asked a bunch of them. We were discussing life. Weren't we once told that life is supposed to be an adventure. Well, if, than what?

Does that mean daily something is supposed to happen that makes you go woah?
Does it mean that it is supposed to be filled with excitment and difference everyday?
Or is it that we don't view it correctly? That word. ADVENTURE.
Or am I so self absorbed that I cannot see it going on around me?
Or am I just asking too many questions?
Questions have always led me to answers. Even if it takes asking so many that my head spins as it is lately. I remember a wise woman once telling me that you have to be quiet enough to listen for the answers.
My sister said she wanted her answer written on the wall in HUGE letters and in a place where she would make sure she could see it at a time when her boys weren't around to process it. That made me laugh and yet I KNOW the truth behind what she is talking about.

Life, the great adventure.
I heard a song on the radio coming into Kalispell today that said something like, the mountain you've been climbing is only a grain of sand. I wish at moments like this where my mind is ascending Mauna Kea; the tallest mountain on earth; I had that perspective.

So I choose to change it. My perspective. I will continue asking questions until I find my answer. Not only about life...but about climbing and love and relationships and everything I can. Because it is a part of me. ideology at it's best.

give me men to match my mountains...

do you feel any older?

2007-09-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

hello and welcome to 30. it's a strange yet awesome feeling to be 30. strange like my fire chief had a baby on Sept. 15th, 2007 and I was born September 15th 1977. To write the date on my birthday was weird because I write my birthday out a lot on applications/etc. but I don't remember ever writing it out on the actual day of my birthday only 30 years later. Do any of those make sense? Well, so it was a great weekend. Ty, Danny(Ty's good buddy from Washington) and I went to McGregor Lake on Friday night and sang karoeke all night long. The owners gave me a funny compliment about my voice, and fed me alcohol all night long. When I say fed, I mean FED. Every time I walked away from the bar for a moment and left my drink (you can do that here in montana and not worry about pills getting dropped in them or anything) even if only a sip was gone from it, by the time I got back, it was full again. What fun we had. The next day, I ate an amazing breakfast made by brother in law Mike at the HHP and went over to his house to spend some time with my family. They gave me the most beautiful ring and necklace. Sapphires and silver! Then, we prepared for the party we were going to be having that night. Around 5 everyone showed up and began eating and drinking. It was called Margaritaville and there was enough Tequilla there to feed an army. The weather was super all night even though we couldn't have a fire due to restrictions. Everyone had a great night. Fajitas were awesome. Tequilla was sweet and sour. And the laughter was abounding! The next morning Danny, Ty and I went to the HHP for brunch and ceasar's and then cleaned up a bit and went fishing. What a weekend! Relaxing, fun and very loving!

What I like most about being 30:
My brother told me that now I am wise. Being 30 does make me feel like I have some weight behind being an adult or being wise. Why does age do that? I like it, whatever it is.

a poem on a sad day

2007-08-29T20:08:00.000-05:00

I am not sure why it tends to take me by surprise
that on days like today I think about him.
But it does.
and I do.
Perhaps it is because we went through so much life
in such a short time.
Perhaps it is because we were so entagled.
And that with every tradegy,
every thrill,
every moment
our lives were weaved closer together.
Perhaps it is because I loved him
with all that I had within me to give.
And I was swept up in everything that was him.

Whatever the reason;
each holding on to it's own perception of truth;
I am
in a very real way,
greatful for those years.

And if I were to be totally honest, I am scared today. SO much is brought to the surface when life changes. What's next? And I tend to be the anaylitical type...what has happened and why. How can I not repeat mistakes made. How does one leave a legacy? This is your life...are you who you want to be? Selfish thoughts creep in to my brain. What will people say about you when you die? Who will show? What life have you touched recently because you are:
called to,
bound to,
I dare say ought to,
asked to,
committed to,
taught to,
begged to:
LOVE as you are LOVED.
In my brain, stuck I am. (thanks Yoda)
and it hurts.
but this pain is a necessary pain.
a pain that does not wound.
and as such the beautiful words were spoken today...
thankfulness will flow.

************************************************************
August 24, 2007 Grandpa passed into eternity
August 29, 2007 Funeral for Grandpa

John Francis Muse

2007-08-25T15:46:00.001-05:00

John Francis Muse was my grandfather. Yesterday, age 81 he passed away peacefully.
Grandpa, my silver fox, you are missed dearly already. Thank you for years of love, laughter, teaching, joy and music.

crappy news

2007-08-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

Death always takes me by storm. I can be as setteled as a house built on the strongest foundation, but death...blows me over. I have come a long long way from the days of 1996 but I still have a really hard time. Lately, there's been a lot of it.
*********************************************************************
I have a friend named Barney. Barney and I went to high school together and he has always been the light in the darkness kind of guy. Happy when others were sad. Easy going, laid back and a lot of fun. Since high school, we hadn't seen each other, but who knew we would both move to Montana! Barney passed away last Friday.
Wish I could have been down to one of your hunting parties. In honor of your life, this year as I go hunt for the first time, I will dedicate my very first deer to Barney.

Thanks for living the life. I pray your legacy makes others...want to live it to! You are missed.
**********************************************************************
I choose to believe in a Comforter that is real.
And I ask today for comfort, peace and rest for my friends that are mourning...
the G family.
Barney's friends and family.
Courtney x 2

o.a.o

The long delay

2007-07-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

no computer = no posts
no computer = hours of catching up to do that, I will say it, SHOULD be done in ways other than via the computer. (I have too strong of feelings about this, so I will deal with later not on the blog)
no computer = an irregular post that might not make sense

Montana has been an extremely hot summer. In the 90-100 degree heat for 3 weeks straight now. What does this mean to the outsider? Fire fire fire. Except that it has literally been everyone around our department and not us. But, we have had 2x's the amount of calls than usual. I went on my first fatality the other night. It began at 10:20 when the call went out, and ended at 3:30 when I finally rolled into bed. Huge motor vehicle accident. BIG truck v. car=devistation. My first of I'm sure many to come. And this is what I have been trained for. But it's amazing to actually be there and have it happen.
So, let's see.
QUICK UPDATE
*moved out of the loft cabin
*moved into a big 3 bedroom house. (that means anyone can come visit and enjoy my newly decorated guest room!)with running water, showers, toliets indoors(I miss my outhouse though) ***TANGENT***
I don't know if I have ever explained the amazing wonder of my outhouse. I need to go take pictures of it for a future blog. Yes, back burner this tangent for a future picture story!
*trying to find a RN program I don't have to wait 3 years before getting in and beginning.
*have had mom, Josh, Toby all visit from Chicago. Mom totally helped move me in and bought cute stuff for my new home. How much do we all love moms?!!!! The bummer of having Josh here was that I really didn't get to spend any time with my hose. And we both felt it. The day they left he cried terribly because he didn't get to see me enough. So, September, when I come home for a visit, I am going to spend a good amount of time with the hose. Take him for a day and just do Kriiiisssteeen/josssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyy things.
*busiest season of my year. "Summertime, when all you want to do is play but have to work hard everyday." (song I sing to myself at work on days when it's super nice out and I want to go sit on the lake)
*love the structure of life, but hate mundaness sometimes.
*Ty and I are doing great. Learning more and more about each other daily and loving it. We are both looking forward to hunting season. Ty's dog "JR." lost his leg about a month ago and is the most amazing 3 legged animal either of us has ever seen. We've been playing catch with him and hunt ur up alot getting him ready for duck season. This weekend we'll take him swimming for the first time and see how that goes. can a dog swim with three legs? He sure can hop!
*Planning a trip to Chicago to see Pez get married, and visit friends. Ty's best friends will be here for my 30th birthday party. I may take after my friend Curtis and start journaling about the 30 years of life I have lived as an excercise. It's amazing how much life can happen in so little time. Precious moments. Shoot.
*Family here is great. Kate, Mike and the boys and I get to hang a lot. I still love being here to watch them grow. I know them and they know me and that's just super cool.
*Planning weekends to Washington and southern Montana hopefully soon and a future road trip all over the states. Perhaps to a town near you my beloved friends spread all over the world. I miss you more than words can express. To quote MW SMith,
"a lifetimes not too long, to live as friends."

A strange yet comforting feeling

2007-06-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

My last post brought about a comment that has blessed my socks off today.
Someone left http://idx.mypadd.com/details.php?ln=06509107 this link in my comment section...and not once, but twice. I had no idea what I was clicking on and was a bit nervous thinking it may be some virus or some porn or some gimmick, especially of the computer I am on, but I clicked anyways hoping for the best. And up came a house listing for 55 Cahill Road.
55 Cahill Road.
The house I grew up in.
A house I haven't seen in years.
Wow...
A rush of many different emotions came over me. Some good, some bad, but all in all, very moving emotions. Then came the memories. As I sat and looked at pictures of a house that no longer looks like the one I grew up in I was amazed. Amazed that it's been 10 years since I lived there. I hadn't thought about that house in such a long time. And it was nice. It still is. To sit 1,700 miles away from there and think about the years spent growing up in that house. I don't know what it is, but something about getting that comment today is a huge blessing. Shoot, I was 11 when we moved there and 19 when we moved out. That's a lot of time to make memories and grow up. So many firsts happened in that house. And it feels so good to just think about moments. And say thanks. And let go. And cry. And smile. Because much happened in that house.
A mashed potato fight Dad, is that a picture of your mom?
kareoke It's my perogitive my HUGE room
vacumming the stairs chauncee a cookie dough fight
pom practice hiding in my closet
rainy nights running naked through the woods/streets
learning about pineapples My bird Ian my own phone line
shower wars Playing makeup artist

Ryan

Derek

Joel and Robbie and Chad Pat and Shawn Ben and Peter and J and Rich

after school poops PIG/HORSE

planting bulbs yard work
leaves
leaves
and more leaves

swings painting shooting woodpeckers

Dad's office/the boys room discovering

fluffy and shauners BEAU electric fences tennis racket fetch

the pool tashjen's

divorce

notes under doors parties proms/homecomings/dances

snowballs fights oranges knocks on the RED front door

my window break three times rose petal filled room

tea

The list goes on and on. But I think I will keep the rest to myself. Thank you so much for that comment!

do you know times when you just know that you know?

2007-05-22T19:32:00.000-05:00

Well, today is one of those times. I know this girl. She's my co-worker. And things lately have taken a new turn with her. She is living a life of freedom for the first time and it's scary and fun to watch. She asks a lot of questions and seeks a lot of advice, but it's fun to see her figure things out on her own. She is being empowered by truth. Truth that is saturating her being. And it all happened one night because God said "SPEAK. Don't hold back the words which I have gifted you to say to people to remind them that they are my children whom I love." SO I told her, she's worth more. And it broke the damn. Oh holy Jesus, it sure did.

I remember times in my life when this has happened for me. The damn breaking. One more layer coming peeled away. I also remember blogging about it one time. About not knowing what I should do, not being able to trust, but knowing what Jeff or Eve or Anne or Sue or Nick or Nathan or any # of mentors I have had in the past would do in my situation. It made things not so blurry. It's the same thing here. I see it! The new little butterfly is coming out of her cocoon not knowing how to fly, so she looks at me flying. I am amazed at the feeling it is to not feel responsible for someone's growth but humbled and greatful for being a part of the blessing. Feeling like I am doing what it is that God created me to do. Manifest his glory to the world through my very unique Kristenness. And watching as my co-worker allows her "ness" to shine through. Praise the Almighty for change. For every day our mercies being made new. For His glory shining all over the earth. Amen.

hi

2007-05-16T14:04:00.000-05:00

ty's home and it's been wonderful to have him back. His smile increasingly makes my world light up. We've been gopher hunting. And it is for sure a lesson in, "don't knock it til you try it." I have written before about my ever growing love of hunting and guns, but when the past posts were written I hadn't even touched the surface of what lies out there. I have now killed many a gopher and it's amazing. I know it probably sounds to some of you like I am out of my mind, but it really is awesome to watch their little bodies explode! Ok, I won't get into further details, unless you ask.
I have also been doing ER hours for my EMT-B practicals. Talk about exciting! I've seen some pretty cool things in the last month. And tonight, I finish my class. It's the final for skills/assessment. I have to pass this so that I can go on to take the National Registry. And I'm excited! I got an "A" in my class, an "A" on my final and tonight I will pass with flying colors. This semester has been hard, but life giving. I am on my way to doing something that really fits me and it feels amazing. Whether that's health care or pre hospital care is undedcided yet, but I think nursing may be the route I go. I can still always be on the FD and an EMT-B volunteer wherever I go. Speaking of going places, Ty and I are going to travel to Washington for the Memorial Day weekend to visit his family and friends. It will be super nice to meet them and see him in his old environment. He and I have been talking a lot lately about missing people that are so important in our lives. Chicago holds that for me and Washington holds that for Ty. We are working on building more significant relationships here, and starting to talk more about our future together as a couple. It's only been 6 months, so things remain on a nice slow path...I'm hoping that we get to go to my home town in June...but with gas prices being so high, we may try to fly. I'll keep you updated. Promise. Just had a pedi(girls, I think they are better when you have a girlfriend to do lunch and pedis with) and I'm off to run errands. May the fresh breezes of Spring send you into beautiful places.

a diddy

2007-04-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

about a girl, me that is, that has a tendancy to not post very often. Perhaps it's my world that is busy so often.
Yes, my world is busy. And I make it that way because I have many passions. I think it may always be this way. What I know my life is though, is more balanced. How do I know this? Lately, I am talking in ways I never have before. But, not just talking, DOING. Taking steps towards creating my future. Making choices that are the right choices. And swimming. Swimming in the river that is Life. Change is becoming more of a thing I respond to rather than react to. I don't know how the saying goes, but I know my life is starting to reflect it. And it feels really good. Moving forward. The interview I had this morning, David being in town, the conversations I'm having these days all lead me to this conclusion. And I beleive as I have said in the past it's one of those mountain top experiences. But, this time, it's not really a mountain top. I haven't climbed some big peak lately. I guess it's more of understanding the daily struggle of climbing.

Shoes are important.

When I think about what I am seeing, I get metaphors in my brain like "shoes are important" and I'm not sure I can put them on paper, or explain them yet to the blog world.
ie: Climbing mountains with hills and valleys and faces and lakes=life. The adventure. And this one isn't mine, but it makes more sense to me than it ever has. It's like the beautiful book, "Hinds feet on high places". I see things differently now than I used to. I feel more balanced. And I still make a lot of mistakes. I used to think that this disqualified me, or at least it did until I made amends. But thank you "Finding Nemo" for the saying, just keep swimming. It takes on a whole new idea in this brain. It takes on the idea that:
daily we are made new
The onion has another layer
We will not arrive.
it's about the journey not the destination
balance.
chop wood carry water
ebb and flow

I have learned, and heard and been taught by people that are remarkable these lessons in one form or another. And I pray that I will forever keep the fire glowing. That I will as the song says, "pass it on(Pez I miss you)."

And there have been moments, where I have questioned where my passion has gone. Because, I have wondered, does everyone have to be a fanatic? Does passion = total devotion. I guess, there's a lot going on in my brain as I think through all of these things and you blog world get a glimpse. I believe, man you can have both. I think in my younger years, due in part to my ADHD, passion meant giving your all. Everything you had. I wrote about this one day after Nancy Ortberg preached an amazing sermon on "All OR Nothing Mentality." She said something along the lines of, if you are an all or nothing person, more often than not, it's nothing that you'll end up giving.

Ever since I was 19, I have said I wanted to be known as a person of integrity. That my yes meant yes and my no, no. This became my life goal. And it is because I have trouble in this area. As I grow up though, I see that these two themes kind of run a similar path. "Simply, allowing your yes to be yes and your no, no." Being a person who doesn't give all one day and nothing the next. Learning boundaries for thine own self and extending them to others. Respecting the boundaries another sets for themselves. Embracing who Kristen is. Not because someone wants her to be that person, or has put a definition of who she should be. Even breaking down the barriers of who I think I should be. But, acknowledgin who I am. I know this woman. I have gotten to know her well in the last 5 years. I look forward to getting to know her even better. But, also, with as much importance, observing the shaping of her through the loving arms of the trinity, the gracious hearts of friends and the iron tool they serve and the world in all of it's beauty.

I am today, so at peace that my soul wants to sing.

Even in the midst of chaos, of turmoil, my soul rejoices in this revelation. The ability to see change in my life. The gift of love.

So "to only my Maker, my Father, my Savior, Redeemer, Restorer, Rebuilder, Rewarder...To only a God like you, do I give my praise."

Thank you and good day.

trip pics

2007-04-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

Here are two fun photos from my trip. More to come. Isn't my little brother so cute? And not to mention the hottie next

to me!!!

Happy Easter

2007-04-06T16:13:00.000-05:00

EGG DYING COMPETITION

Happy Easter to everyone!
Christ has Risen!
Christ has Risen Indeed!

For clarifications sake

2007-03-28T12:39:00.000-05:00

I have great friends.
In the past 48 hours after 2 voice mails, 3 comments, 4 e-mails and a whole lot of worry, it seems there is some major need for clarification.
First off, my friend Katie Ermilio Pace is alive, well and kicking it in Omaha with her husband, dogs and cats. You can visit Kate here and read about her life.
Second, the woman that I was referring to in my last post was my best friend in high school. Kate Malmen Ford left us 11 years ago when she took her own life. Last Monday was the anniversary of her death and for some reason it hit me really hard. So, in the best way I know how, I mourned by writing/blogging my feelings. I do apologize for making anyone worry about Katie Pace or myself, but am greatful for friends that love me and care so much.

And on an whole different topic, I leave tomorrow for California. Tyler has been working for my dad building him a rental unit, a cabin, a treehouse for Robert(baby brother) and framing in a room for Audrey(step sister). He'll be there a total of 7 weeks so I thought it smart to make his time away from home a little less painful by visiting. We're going to camp on the beach all weekend, play in the sun and sand, have a bonfire and enjoy each others company while horseback riding and livin' it up Cali style! So, I'll update when I get back, perhaps with great pictures.

To you

2007-03-19T15:07:00.000-05:00

to you
the one who made boys weak in the knees yet never knew the essence of your beauty
i miss your smile

to you
the one who got me into more trouble than i can speak of but was always willing to serve the time or punishment alongside with me and made it fun
i miss our adventures

to you
the one who gave from the depths of her soul but had trouble asking for help
i wish i could have helped you

to you, kate
may your memory be an ever present reminder of joy.
of love.
of the gift of life.

you know you're a red necks girlfriend when....

2007-03-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday morning, Ty's all, "come on we've gotta get up and get to town to get clay pigeon's. We're goin' shootin'!"

The next hour changed my life.

We drove up to the lake to an open area where Ty and his dad go shootin and hopped out of the truck. Ty impressed me (nothing new there) with his toss it up and shoot it tricks and then he said it was my turn. So, after teaching me the correct stance, the correct way to hold the 12 guage shotgun, how to load the shells and where the safety and trigger were, he said, "now, shoot it." My first reaction was that it was going to hurt. You always here about how guns kick and for a rooky, I was nervous. But, I really trust Ty, so I took aim and shot. I didn't know what I was shooting at, but it didn't hurt. I didn't hit a damn thing, but I shot it without being scared and that's what counted at that moment. And I loved it...every minute of it from learning to throw pigeons to shooting to learning about scopes and sites and bullets and shells and safety and even how amazing of a time you can have just shooting at silly things.

BUT...

then I shot a rifle. I shot a 22 and a 17 and I shot really well and now I know that I am not only a red neck's girlfriend, but I am going to be one sexy woman with a gun and hunter's saftey under her belt come opening day of deer season this year. But, wait...gopher season's first, then turkey, then bow. Shoot, now I know why they call this thing a bug.

They are getting so big

2007-03-05T15:27:00.000-06:00

I am putting my kittens in the Moutain Trader today. Not that I really want to as they are so precious, but I have to. If they start getting any bigger, they won't really be kittens anymore. Ty and Turbo have become best friends and Mercedes(Sadi for short) is pretty much my little love. I call them princesses and they are. Spoiled, loved and well fed. I think whomever ends up with these two darlings is blessed.
This is the Turbo the puffball at 4 weeks. She is now 10 weeks old. SO much bigger!!!

This is Sadi at the same age. She's now too big to fit in that bowl. She had to go to a metal mixing bowl. She loves sitting in bowls!

driving is good for my soul

2007-03-05T15:05:00.000-06:00

This past Friday, I left on a business trip to Great Falls. I left Kalispell and drove into Glacier National Park. Now, first off, if you have never been to Montana and especially never visited Glacier National Park, please come for a visit. It's one of the most beautiful spots I know in this great nation of ours. Ok, so as I am driving through I am overwhelemed by the mountains and their beauty so I call Val and tell her I'm blessed to live here, when beep...Call lost. I must admit to you all right now that I am a cell phone driving person. I need to purchase a blue tooth so that I can do both and not worry people like Anna, my mom, Megs, etc. Again, back to the story. I can't get cell service. Doesn't this suck? It actually quickly became a blessing and a half. I had to observe the country I was driving through. So, as you leave East Glacier, you come to a town called Browning. It's on the Blackfeet Indian Reservation and I am overwhelmed again. As I drive along the plains of eastern Montana are before me. And I do my best to describe how I am feeling to the voice clips that I have on my phone because I don't want to forget this. I want to share this feeling. And that feeling was, woah, I don't belong here. It was a feeling of awe and injustice and reverency for the past and the west and indians and buffalos and history. I wanted to see horses running wild and grazing herds of "tatoncas." I wanted to weep over this loss and blood shed and wars fought and land conquered. It made me start wondering what right we felt we had coming to this land and moving in and moving people groups out. So I gave a little nod to the statues as I left the res, hoping to somehow convey my thoughts. And then I popped in an old worship CD from years back and started to sing and cry and be with my Lord. And my heart softened. And I was brought to a place I haven't been in awhile, a place of solitude and surrender. And I stayed there. And it was good. And I was greatful for my cell phone not working and my drive to and from Great Falls. I recall years back, I used to go on drives just for that purpose, to be alone. To listen to the one who knows my soul and speaks when I drive.

Then,
on the way home I was amazed to be pulled over by a highway patrol man. I say amazed because I had set my cruise control on 75 and thought that's how fast I was going. I was wrong! But, go figure, the cop that pulled me over is a Lang Creek loving beer fan.
He asked me what I was doing in Great Falls?
I said I was on a business trip.
Where do you work?
Lang Creek Brewery.
Really? What a great job. He took my license and walked back to his car.
3 min later...
Miss Driscoll, I clocked you at going 86 in a 75 which normally is a $50.00 ticket but I just gave you a $20.00 ticket. You have a nice day and keep up the great work, God Bless You!

Now, that has to be the first time ever, being in the beer business caught me a break with law enforcement.

There are many things I miss

2007-02-26T10:57:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, I was serving tables at the HHP when a family that often feasts there asked me where I was from. I said, "Chicago" and thus is the reason for this post.

Back in May of 2005, when I moved to Omaha for a brief stint (about a week and a half), I posted this post and it is a GREAT list about things I will miss when I move. Well, I've moved. And I for sure miss each of those items listed.

And then, last year in May I posted this one
which included pictures of loved ones I missed terribly.(plus a long update of my happenings in MT. so scroll down if you wish to see just the pics).

And today as I am trying to write this post, those other two pretty much have it nailed. I think there is one list left in me though that's screaming to come out. It will come in words, not pictures and please forgive the words you do not understand. This post is for me and giving thanks for what once was and what is now and what will be. Lately, that's where the Trinity has me...giving thanks, being greatful, contemplating my life and the richness and fullness and where I've been, where I am and where I am going.

Words of Sybil Towner's, (one of the sharpest, wisest women I am beyond blessed to know and call my friend) keep ringing in my head. "Teach yourself to give thanks daily, Kristen. Start with 5 things a day and grow until it becomes not just a discipline."
Bless you my friend. Thank you for being a mentor and example to me!!!

**********************************************************************************************

falling to my knees I was held
by prayers and arms and lives
mirrors in a room that echo years of love
and commitment to brokeness and humanity
and life at it's best.
kids and faces that I have known, do know and know me
lights, camera, action, singing and dancing
a gym, a stage, a rooftop, a bench
mighty mighty powerful winds of change have blown through me there
and mentors
words of truth spoken in love and anger and disappointment

youth.
my youth.
stages and masks and joy
success at a level that I could handle
domination of a friendlier sort
voices guiding us on to be and become
stretching our wings and flying, falling.

adolecense, the beauty of not knowing.
a float trip turns quickly towards white water.
with knowledge comes responsibility and thank God
I wasn't alone.

sweet refrain, sustained.

floating, I'd often dive down and look and say, "what's down there?"
eyes a blaze with envy, in awe, with inspiration spilling out of every canyon,
every rock turned over, every blade of grass stepped upon.
the minutes became years and before you know it,
the valleys didn't look so deep and the mountains they didn't seem so steep
because the seed had become a plant.
and a flower. and then a seed again.

and you helped to keep my soil rich
and watered
and fed
and you, yes you, you picked rocks out of it with me until our hands were bloody.
and then you washed them for me

and remined me of who is
white as snow.
pure.
radiant.

bricks and playhouses
definition was given, granted, and stamped on our every move
control and love got confused
love and lust changed everything
blue and yellow became a green pleasant thing to look at
words
so many words were spoken, felt, breathed
a scared proud bunny rabbit without direction.
whose dreams were given kites and the north winds were blowing
such little hands though.
such big hearts
adequacy in questioned constantly
quality improvements shadowing boxes of filth
we were there.
we gave all we had.

the mountain top experiences
the pebbles along the way
the beaches and desserts and oasises and seasons
nature claiming it's rule in my life.

I weep.
I am embraced.
I mourn.
I am comforted.
I forgive.
I am forgiven.

the gift of knowing now what I didn't know then.
may it all turn to wisdom followed by action and may I forever remain...
humble.

Gracias Dios! En el nombre de Padre, Jesús y Espíritu Santo, AMEN.

Music fun...

2007-02-23T14:54:00.000-06:00

While I ate lunch today I decided it was time for a random but fun ipod (stolen from meghan) insanity. SO, here ya go...a look into the world of Kristen's music.

Put your music player on shuffle.Press forward for each question.Use the song title as the answer to the question.
How am I feeling today?: Holes -Rascall Flatts

Will I get far in life?:Let it be me -Indigo Girls

How do my friends see me?:Strange Fire -Indigo Girls (hmmmm?)

Where will I get married?:Joyful, Joyful -The St. Francis Choir

What is my best friend's theme song?:All Right Here -Sara Groves

What is the story of my life?:I'll be okay -Amanda Marshall

What is/was high school like?:Unexpected -Kevin Mileski

How can I get ahead in life?:Amen - Paula Cole

What is the best thing about me?:10 Rounds with Jose Cuervo -Tracey Byrd (if you only knew)

How is today going to be?:Just Got Paid -N'sync

What is in store for this weekend?:She's in love with the Boy -Trisha Yearwood (and I am!)

What song describes my parents?:The Day Before You-Rascal Flatts (interesting)

How is my life going?:Two of a Kind Workin on a Full House -Garth Brooks (not yet)

What song will they play at my funeral?:Highway Blues - Ernie Watts on sax folks

How does the world see me?:Nashville -Indigo Girls

Will I have a happy life?: Silver Cloud- The Cells

What do my friends really think of me?: Fast Cars and Freedom - Rascal Flatts

Do people secretly lust after me?: RedNeck Woman -Gretchen Wilson (I moved to Montana, but I haven't gone totally hic)

How can I make myself happy? Whatta Man - Salt-N-Peppa

What should I do with my life?:Break Away -Rascal Flatts

Will I ever have children?: Feels like Today -Rascal Flatts (I wish, but like I said 1st things 1st)

What is some good advice for me?: Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy - Big and Rich (I plan to for the rest of my life !)

What is my signature dancing song?: Get Up -Ciara (I think my i pod knows me too well)

What do I think my current theme song is?: Stick It -Keith Anderson

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?: Born to Fly -Sara Evans

What type of men/women do you like?: Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake (that was too scary)

Classes, classes and more classes

2007-02-21T15:30:00.000-06:00

So, I started my EMT Basic class in January and so far I love it. I am fascinated by the possibilities of being able to provide pre hospital care for someone, so much in fact, I'm talking to my prof about the Paramedic program. When I was little I always wanted to be a doctor, but when it came to Biology and pretty much every science class I took in High School, although an Honor Student, I was like, YUCK...I don't like Science.
Well, ya know what. 13 Years graduated, I like Science now...go figure. Anywho, so maybe that's a path I'll explore more, but for now, I am learning as much as I can about the Basics and committing them to memory and practice.

I also enrolled in a Dreamweaver 8 Web Design class through the college online so that I can develop a better website for Lang Creek. It began today and it should be interesting. Maybe someday soon, I can make my blog prettier as well with the HTML I'm learning.

Last but not least, Tyler , is taking
Fire Fighter 1 and it's cool because it's making me remember so much and helping teach him a couple of things. See, he's pretty amazing at like the things I don't know so he's always teaching me something. NOW, it's my turn.

Anywho....that's where I've been. Studying and teaching and living life in my cabin in the woods with my kitty's and my boy and his dog. How's life for you? Love reading blogs and catching a glimpse.
Kristen over and out to study some more

So there's this guy

2007-02-05T15:24:00.000-06:00

and I sit in awe often at how much he means to me. He with his big amber colored eyes and that smile that makes me warm from my head all the way to my heart.

Who is making your heart smile this February?

Anna lives here...

2007-02-01T19:47:00.000-06:00

well, close to here anyhow.
Her new blog that's making me giggle is:
http://40milessouth.blogspot.com
It makes me giggle, because unless you live in Montana or visit for more than 3 days, you don't actually get what maddness and love is all about all wrapped up in one fantastic state! However, I am lucky to have a girl that gets it with me. And she'll get it all right! Culture shock and all. And my hope is to lessen the blow. So, I will drive to see her and I will send her fun things and we will be...Montana buddies.
Southern part of the state...ANNA
Northern...KRISTEN.

Welcome to it baby girl! Love you!

you know you are getting older when...

2007-01-31T17:45:00.000-06:00

16 year olds today look like 11 year olds and 11 year olds are like your friends kids ages.
30 is right around the corner for your best friends and yourself.
You take out your nose ring and don't care if you put it back it right away.

SuperBowl Sunday

2007-01-31T17:37:00.000-06:00

As we approach Super Bowl Sunday I am homesick. I miss Chicago so much right now it makes my heart actually physically ache. I miss Barrington and the Metra. I miss my friends, every single one of them which includes a gosh damn lot of people. And I miss the city. I sat in a bar today, in Big Fork MT. and was happy as I read the sports section. I laughed when I read about the celebration of spirits being lifted all due to the Super Bowl. People are saying, "Go Bears" everywhere and it's great! I smile at the times I have spent in the city with friends and family. I smile when I think of the culture surronding Chicago and the burbs. Here, life is different. Not bad, just different. I miss familiarity and knowing there are 22 places I can go Sunday to watch the CHICAGO Bears win the Super Bowl, while here there are 2. Anna moved here on Sunday. I can go see her and Stephen...8 hours away. I can go with Mike to some random strangers home, cause he's a huge Bears fan. I guess, even though I am NOT nor have ever been a Bears fan, this makes things all the more confusing to me. But, as most wagon jumpers do, I am hopping on to say I hope that they win big on Sunday. Cause I love David and Mike and I love Chicago. You never know where life will take you. You never know what tradegy or celebration will mold you into a circle you thought you had left behind. That's how I felt today sitting in a bar in Big Fork, MT. Melded into a ball of Bear's fans. Or in my case, a fan of the fans. INTERERSTING...just wanted to share.

2007-01-23T18:41:00.000-06:00

To funny....a comic on yahoo news today.

some things I've promised

2007-01-11T18:48:00.000-06:00

Tyler got a tatoo on Sunday. And it rocks. I will get one soon...an angel that sits on my shoulder. It's beautiful! We went to the monster truck show...video coming folks as soon as I figure it out. AND...updated pics of the kittens. Aren't they precious little runts! I love them so much I don't know about giving them away. Dang attachment issues!

Love you blog world!

# 27

2007-01-04T12:59:00.000-06:00

Tia: "Kristen, I have kind of a silly question to ask you."

Kristen: "What is it?"

Tia: "Do you want to go to the Monster Truck show with me next weekend?"

Kristen: "Um, YES, totally! I heard it on the radio and was like, uh I soo want to go but was like, shoot, who will want to go?"

Tia: "I was thinking the same thing, and then you immediately came to my mind. But I got nervous. Let's totally take the truck and go!"

Kristen: "I am so excited. This is my very first MONSTER TRUCK SHOW!!!"

And this my friends is just one more reason I love living in Montana. # 27 to be exact. I'm making a list. Come visit. It's great!