so introspective

I've been spending more time recently looking at the past. being curious about the Kristen of yesteryear's. Her heart's motivation. Her quick witt. Her writing. And sometimes I stand in amazement but definitely in the good sense. How has she changed? How is she the same? Jolted? Marred? Refined? 

I think we all did the blog thing to become more of ourselves. Our twenties. WHOOP...dang. Perhaps we were expressing ourselves and the independence and growing up we needed to do through words, and movies and song  lyrics. it's about the longing for something to begin, and play itself out. My path was so different from the rest. 

I've looked at it many times before, but perhaps I will begin looking at it again. Step through the looking glass into the picture. 

where to begin. 

a time line. SO much has happened in these short 46 years. 

  

to begin again

 to begin writing again is like an exercise that you used to do often. ok fine, like riding a bike. Because once you learn, it comes back quickly. when you start writing again, with auto assumalator (spelling error on purpose) helping you out, it's interesting. 

So we begin again. because i need a space to place my words. and to see and read the differences that the Lord has truly done in my life over almost 20 years. This blog began Sept. 21, 2004. Wow! I had just turned 26. to even read through some of the things i had written in my other blogs too only 11 years or so ago is shocking. Where my interests were, what was going on in the world. I had to text Katie Pace and ask her if she's watched Garden State in years? There are things on there like Billy Madison that will remain on there forever. Forever type of movies that you adore. Garden State...who knows? I may have to watch it just to see. I think that's a for the time one. 

Any who, I wanted to write today about the amazing presence of Jesus. He is God with us. If you know me I say that a lot but doesn't it make it that much more personal? WITH you. With me. WITH US! And where I am at currently in this journey of life is a place where that means the world to me. Much has happened in my lifetime. And He has been with me in it all. He holds my hand and heart and today He held my face and told me all He was interested in was being with me. That He delights in me. And world, He has messages for you too!  

Yesterday I was talking to my mom about my childhood. About my parents and their journeys to Jesus. My mom is an outstanding woman! She told me about getting baptized in the Holy Spirit. About a Methodist Charismatic conference she and the women from our church went to and she received a deep inner healing. The message He gave her that day was that she could forgive her dad for saying he didn't want her. And she did! She didn't even know that she needed to, but did an inner womb healing where she heard those words and was able to choose forgiveness instead of being marked by that for her life. WOW! 

I met with Marty Meyer two days ago and we got to know one another. We swapped stories and proclaimed the goodness of God in our lives! We extrapolated upon ideas about the church, as is the people of God, church as in what people have chosen as church, and what could be. What would it look like to not hinder the Holy Spirit but always be led by it? Would it look like chaos to some? Would it be comforting? What did it look like back in the day? I consider Acts 2: Tongues of fire! 

"What the WHAT?"
As my friendly neighborhood pastor Kevin Geer likes to say.

It doesn't look normal. 
Joanna said yesterday at small group things like Fire Tunnels, miracles, heavenly laughter, craziness.  
Bree said I hear so many people longing for things like this. 
I said, yes...I just want to see it not just blessing this group but bleeding into our lives so that the kingdom here on earth can experience Jesus. They can know. Is it that engrained in me evangelist? YES. and it's about the love I know. The greatest love ever spilling over into my life. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. You. not just me...you my Christian or if you aren't comfortable sitting in that category any longer, people who love Jesus. let's not get me started on the absence of labels.

following Jesus. loving Jesus. it doesn't look normal. because it's driven from love. one of the hardest parts about reading over this blog today was the presence of someone that is no longer in my life at all. Grief. Another topic for another day. 

Brandon Alan Makovy

I was reminded today that I have some pretty interesting relationships. One I'd like to share with you today is my friend Brandon.
Brandon Alan Makovy and I met back in 1999. I took a long weekend trip to Texas to visit some friends I had met while at college in Flagstaff, AZ. We drove 15 hours across Arizona, New Mexico and half of Texas to find ourselves in College Station, home of the Aggies, Texas A&M. Over that weekend we attended a retreat with our friends and this is where I met Brandon. He was my discussion group leader. He also helped lead worship that weekend. And then for the talent show, he made songs up about people and entertained us all. That night, as I sat back watching him, he began to grow on me and thus began my crush stage. So, sometime after that we started exchanging e-mails (he still has all of them saved somewhere on his computers, pack rat, saves everything!) and our friendship flourished. He was one of the first people I remember in my life telling me I was funny. Our e-mails went back and forth for years. Now mind you, I had only spent maybe 7 hours all together with this guy before this. We continued e-mailing until one summer a guy from Crystal Lake went to work at the same summer camp as Brandon and it came to be known that crystal Lake was right next to cary, the town this girl I know but have not seen in years lives.
Meeting #2... BAM, doesn't fly.
So this crazy man takes off for spring break and drives all the way up to Illinois to see me, Patrick and another friend that lives up in Milawuakee, Wisconsin. Having not ever hung out before we spent a lot of time getting to know each other face to face. We toured downtown, did a drive by of the United Center, Nike Town, and nothing else exciting cause I was a bad hostess and hadn't a clue where to go! Thank God he is super laid back and wonderful. I took him to church, introduced him to that insanity and watched him do what he does so well...mingle! Brandon is WOO. He is funny and sensitive and an entertainer so he fit in very well with my friends. Mom loved him and got his # right away. "He really likes to talk!" And he does. E-mail and phone calls and IM became our life lines to one another. There were nights I remember talking into the wee hours of the morning only to get up that very next day and chat all day! Brandon was still in college, finishing his degree when we lost touch for awhile. Life got super busy and somewhere in that time period he graduated, got his teaching certificate and moved to Dallas. This is when we again began chatting more often. Last summer, we tried to meet up more than once. We always talk about trying to. But finally, he came to visit me again! He showed up late one night by the way of Nashville. He had spent his summer there playing his music for local bar groupies trying to land a record deal or get a song or two sung by someone famous. I know one day I will hear his lyrics or voice on the local country station! He is so stinking talented, but that market is a hard one. The endurance my friend has though, is astonishing. How do you make your dreams fly when you are constantly being beaten down?
STATS:
6'5"
225 ish, all muscle girls
Blond
Blue
Singer
Writer of music, poetry, halarious commentary
Guitar player
Worship Leader
Teacher
Coach
Pitcher
Comedian
Artist

back then.

I just got off the phone with my ment.

things sure are different and yet the same.

as they were back when.

back when.

back when.

back when.

I often want to live in back when.

before choices I made and people I hurt were damaged.

She is sunshine in the spring to me...

Valerie Jean English Vinson.

The story began years and years ago beside a palm tree. Girls telling each other their stories. Tears fell as did the rain. Then a day or so later in a church courtyard she told the truth that started at a level 10 on a scale of 1-10. And as we lay in our bunkbeds under misquito netting, laughter and a hard days work washed over us. A beginning of a friendship that claimed my heart. 17 and foolish we were. Full of such innocence.

Returning home, we began spending every waking minute of every day with each other. Involved in ministry, and life. It was what we knew. Daily trips to Palatine to pick her up, she would releave my stress by making me laugh and by hopping in the back seat of GRBOOG. "The green booger," as my brother had named it was my 1970's Jeep Jeepster Commando. How we actually made it all the way to Wisconsin one night, I will never know. But, that's what it was about. That first summer and fall. Making memories.

And then, came the year of intensity. Divorce. Fire Starters. Toronto. We both basically lived out of my car. We shared my bedroom between Jen and her and I. Interning. More driving. TGIF. More Fridays. Throwing away CD's because, well it was the thing we thought we should do. Summer camp when I went away. So much bonding, so little time. And there was major confusion. And utter silliness. And pain that was healed. And pain that was birthed. And a deep trust that continued to grow.

We were growing up side by side.

A Nannying postion. Dan and Nancy. Winnetka. Justin. Tea. Cards. HUB. Troy. Your folks moving. Invisible moose's standing on the side of Route 14. Under age trips to Wisconsin. Elmo and Elmo the car. She got her Drivers' License. TRIBE. And then she had to go and fall in love. My dearest Valerie had to go and move to Rockford. And so I moved to Arizona and Omaha and then back. And then, she went and got married on me. VJE became VJV.

And then, had a baby. And I remember, going to visit Ayden Luke. What a joy! What an amazing bridge to watch her soul go through. Something internal blossoming before my eyes. Seeing the girl who always wanted to be a mom, become a mother. It was simply beautiful.

A second baby boy, but taken to heaven before we could meet. A loss that could break anyone gave me insight into just who is the Lord of Val's life. Turning to Jesus for her strength, I watched in awe. that asked more of me than I gave. And she taught me about forgiveness and how to be there for someone.

It would be nice to be thought of.
called
e-mailed
im'd
considered
cared for
once in awhile

it is beyond me how someone can say words like

"I'm going to marry that girl someday."
And be such a fucking dooch bag.

Or someone who says...
"i love you"
but can stand to not speak to you for days and days and weeks on end.

I want to be
cared for
thought of
sought after
I want to be
the peanut butter to your jelly
the chocolate to your peanut butter
the milk to your cereal
the butter to your popcorn
the apple of your eye
the ranch to your everything

but I am not.
and you don't deserve to be mine.
I give so much of my heart away without trust
and have such huge trust issues.

Val said give you my heart to protect.
Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
How do I just walk away from them?
I pray you would help me see the important things and walk away from that which is distracting from being used in your kingdom.
I am getting scared for what's next already God. I don't know what to do. My thoughts keep coming back to where can I go to find a husband. I wish I could stop thinking about this topic. It's like a lingering poison. I just want to be joyful for my daily bread. I'm tired God. I'm tired of wanting for so much love and trying SO hard to obtain it.
i feel extra emotional because of my what I'm thinking is preperation for my uterus to dump an egg. I am sorry I speak with such disdain in my words, but I am mad that if I can't have children, why do I have to have a period. I am not speaking this into being God...I'm just scared. Scared that I won't have children. That I'm getting older and won't be able to. I have all of these feelings like it's punishment. That I'm ruined. Because of my choices. My eyes are really out of whack right now. My placement, my anger, my shame it's all pointed at me. Please take my eyes off of myself. I'm feeling utterly discouraged. Beat up. Bruised. Broken down. NOT broken.

purging

I asked for a piece of bread and you gave me flour and water and yeast. You gave me the tools, the trade, the technique, and I am creating.