a christmas card and the resolve

We as humans, I believe, are so fasincating. I find myself to be an amazing case study. Why I do the things I do. Why I am afraid of speaking the truth to myself and others. Why I fear conflict. It's in moments like last night where I get to hear truth from a loving source that I can see clearly why. it's f'ing hard hearing the truth and to not let the tapes in your head playback something different. Some lie you were told when you were 7 or 19, or yesterday, that you believed.
The tapes, my lies say to me...
Kristen, you are too fat.
Kristen, you aren't pretty enough.
Kristen, if you only were more intelligent.
Kristen, if only you were blond.
If only you had long fingernails.
If only you could sing more like __________.
If only you weren't so loud.
If only you didn't love Jesus or country music or painting or weren't so emotional.
IF ONLY
IF ONLY
IF ONLY
If only you had kissed him.
If only you gave more of your heart away.
If you could BE more of ________...
fill in the f'in blank with whatever you want to and then tell it to shut up. Tell it to talk to the face of truth, my Jesus. My defender.
And it's at moments like last night when I realize that I do have a defender who wants to go to battle for me, with me. And I have friends that are about speaking the truth in love. And I have a trash compactor and it's the perfect size for those blasted tapes.
So this blog came about because of a Christmas card with the word PERHAPS written in it, which I so lovingly over-analyzed till I finally found resolve in asking the writer what he meant last night. PERHAPS...it leaves an open door. It's like MAYBE ONE DAY...or IN TIME...or Jimmy and I'd old favorite, "one day when". I hate closed doors. they make me crazy. It's because I'm a potential girl. I am a dreamer and closed doors look like dead ends to me. But, the crazy part is that instead of seeing it just as that...I'm the little mouse who sits in front of the door for a long long time usually trying to figure out why it won't open, or why it closed in the first place. I look forward to the day when I see a closed door, celebrate it and move on in my dreaming, visionary, potential loving woman that I am. I believe I see my life moving that way. More towards reality being good, nothing styfiling my dreaming and being able to really live in the present. Re-programming my tapes, listening hard for real truth and then facing it. Feeling ucky...for the necessary time, saying it hurts when it does and then keep going. Oh the journey...it's incredible.

BTW: What are you doing for new year's? being this introspective and writing about it on your blog? I hope so. My roommate came up with this question and I'd love some responses.
Q: If you could sum up 2004 in one word, what would that word be?
Q: What are you looking forward to in 2005?


A: TRUTH
A: Chapter 28

GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR LITTLE SOCKS OFF!!! HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!