darkness inspite of darkness

does the title make sense? who knows.
Warning: this post is written in anger

in spite of all of my attempts to become
to be better
to be fully me
I have failed.

OR, maybe not.

Powerless, I fall to the ground
and I sit.

I am stuck.
Stuck for now at least in my least favorite feeling.
YUCK.
Cynicism shows her face...Woo hoo!

It's painful and yet freeing to realize,
how little power we actually have.
oh yes, and here comes the shame.
Creeping if you will.
Oozing out of the oraphises of which we don't speak.

my heart.

my soul.

my mouth.

my brain.

oh and to know the peace in which I long for.
Oh and to die to myself.
oh and to die to power and control.

love and lies.
love and family.
love and hate.
love and x's.
love and me.
love and the three.
where are you in the midst of me?
there's not a lot of room left.

making decisions has never come easily to me.
the letting go, niether.
is there a light at the end of this tunnel.

"Stop this train I want to get off"
Last stop? There is none.
Arrival? NO.

Light...Yes.

Purging on the computer feels good.
Purging to a non exsistant friend that can look me in the eye.
It feels...well like purging.
good and yet, oh so not good.

I am running.
I am searching.
I am...
trying to surrender.

I got in the posture of a child yesterday.
In yoga they call it the Child's pose.(lol)
And, I stayed there as long as I could.
I didn't want to get up.
I didn't want to have to leave that feeling.

And today, the darkness, the pain, the aches are still there.
And I really do not want them to go away so that I can feel better.
I honestly just wish

I COULD BE DONE WITH THEM.

One more trip around the circle.
One more cycle into the depths.
And again and again and again.




"We are onions not oranges." -Doug Pagitt