death before my eyes...unresolved shit

it's 11:00 on a Sunday morning and I'm wide awake. I have so much unresolved thoughts in my head, I woke with fright. My soul feels raped...pushed down a flight of stairs...and then laughed at. I guess my biggest fear is why I am drawn to them. Why I cannot yet see for myself health or unhealth. What blinds me? love...ha! my own desire to be loved? Maybe. I sacrificed time with one of the dearest people in my life to be with you. To experience more life with you. to dive into the swirling refuse that is your life. All for love...or the possibility of it. I scare myself with my desire. How real it is and lengths that I will go to for it. Receiving the tiniest ounce of it. She says he's f'd up...I am f'd up. ruin. despair. taking it all on my shoulders. Maybe that's why they were so heavy at work yesterday.
He bought her chairs. tears of pain are rolling rolling rolling. not only from him...god I've only known you for weeks. from years of allowing myself to be walked on. Asking for it. not standing up to the truth I know. not loving myself. like deep calls to deep...I think pain calls to pain. And our pain oh how it called to one another. In fact it screamed. Please come join me...be mine. save me from the nothing I've become. mom calls him dangerous to my soul. ask God to help you run from him and this. I'm tired of running. I guess that self-reliance clue is here again asking me to take a look. why would you allow yourself to be hurt? all for the sake of love. it's sickening to my soul. i want to throw up...and yet I hear a rythm calling me back to the anti-shame region. truth is I am looking for love. I am searching for it...and the center of where it is...the master, the creator, the lover I know best hasn't been enough. Cause I don't lean in to his love. I don't want his love. his love looks crazy to me. it is harder for me to love God than to try to love anyone else. That's how I feel today. And yet, it's easier to walk all over him...to abuse him...to walk away from his open arms. these tears are real. they go deep...beyond Jay, past Jim, to my core...to my soft place. wanting so much to feel again...to just be free from this crap. From the places inside of me that are so very broken. so very much beat up and bruised. So lost. and yet, that wacky love I talked about, it is meant to reign there. To fill my essence with a love far greater than I can comprehend. healing...tricky dicky. I just need a hug. to feel arms embrace me and remind me that I will get through this. that, what I wrote about is real. God's love, his desire is for me to be all of me. bring it forth Abba. come what may...lead on. thanks for the tear fest and the hug that comes from inside.