just a little bit

the last two weeks have been full of what you may call an uprising of the depths. Jay, now known as the catalyst for the last lil' bit of upchuck. God is purging my soul. He's down deep and it honestly sucks. Jen said,"I don't envy you, but this is so good." Once again Sara's words come to mind.
"God is doing a work in me.
he's walking through my rooms and halls,
checking every corner. Testing out the unsafe walls and letting in the light.
and I am working hard,
to clean my house and set it straight,
not let pride get in the way."

This morning that was about falling to my knees and crying for a minute or two and releasing my day. My thoughts, my plan.
I am wrecked. And emotionally drained and tired. But, the sleep I got last night, was needed and restful. No scary dreams. No working out anything. Restful sleep. and I'm back today to what I know to be true. Life without God leading it. Life that's totally self-reliant will kill me. I'll have a heart attack at 30 or an ulser or cancer. Looking at the catalyst, I sang a song. la la la...my x boy-friend went psycho...la la la. It was a catchy tune needed for the moment. And then reminded myself...don't pull out of this Kristen. It's not about Jay, or Jimmy, this is about you. You and the lover of your soul. And today...for today...that is where I stand. or fall...on my knees...in surrender. This piece of whatever you want to call it is life changing. It's monumental. and it's here to stay no matter what.
In life you can hide from your shit. try...but know that life is lived in the pile.