Epiphany

Setting: Small group
David and Sara share their stories. Who they are, where they come from, the important details that stand out in their lives. I am reminded how good it is to get to know someone. To hear them speak of hard times and of redemption and hope and pain and know that life is all about the journey.
And we all go around the room and give an update.
I listen intently because I knew when it got to me I wasn't too sure what to say. Yesterday was a hard day. And I had to face a bunch of truths I've been wanting to avoid. And through my tears and listening to our group share I was given quite the epiphany.
~litebulb on...and commence writing~
The epiphany came in two forms. Fear and Hope. Fear of abandonment. Fear of people seeing the real Kristen and leaving, not sticking around, giving up. And more so, my actions when this fear comes into play. It's crazy the things we do when we allow fear to conquer our minds and hearts. For sure we become powerless, we are of insane minds and we cannot give love. The bible speaks clearly to this in 2 Timothy 1:7, when it says, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love and of power and of a sound mind."
Lately, I have been living in and out of fear. Fear that my relationships aren't real. Or that community just cannot exsist. Fear of being alone. Fear of my heart and the dark places. Through all of this I realize how often I don't engage with people and with my fears and with God. I realized so much about my story last night. I realized that I still have a long way to go, but it can and will happen. I realized why some relationships I have are easier for me, but why I always feel like not too many people really KNOW Kristen. I can't tell you how strange it feels to wrestle with your false self and trying to figure out where the line of seperation is. It's a lot to think about and to talk to God about and to talk to people about. And it's hard work. The real conversations that are needed. The willingness to surrender and engage. The stuff is hard to look at, but it isn't void of a ton of hope. Hope that I am not finished becoming Me. Hope that there is a Sheperd in heaven who wants me to just be his sheep. I havd had this picture in my bedroom for over 7 years now and not until last night did it begin to mean something to me. It's a picture of Jesus and he's holding a sheep. I have NEVER once thought of him as my sheperd. NOT ONCE. And to think of him in this light, to know the basics of sheperding and what the bible says about it, it was an affirming wonderful thing. I am sheep. A silly lamb who thinks she knows what the hell she's doing when she runs around with her head up her ass. A sheep who for so long thought she had to be the sheperd. To herself, to others, to the world. Did you know God's already at work in this world, without me?! WOAH...what a concept!?!?! Seriously though, we spoke about the kingdom of God here on earth last night. And I see so much hope in the signs of the kingdom on earth everywhere. "In the Starbuck's girls" and the toll booth plaza workers. The Tsunami relief. Anna Taylor. Kramer. The creator inside all of us. He's so clearly at work. And we get to join him. Not because this world is going down the shitter, but because we get the privaledge of being his redemption. And in that...in being redeemed, we are able to help another see. Or hear. Or feel. Or walk out of the misery of living a lie and our false selves. And learning to look for the redemptive process at work in everything. Not taking an apathetic stance, but living in the truth as the beloved. As his lamb.
Hard conversations are ahead. Hard work is ahead.
"I am promise.
I am a possiblity.
I am a promise with a capitol P.
I am a great big bundle of potentiality."

And
So
Are

YOU.
This is the book we are currently reading in small group if you are interested.