the game, the wish, the dream

I ate lunch today with the most beautiful woman. She's not just stunning on the outside, her insides scream of her true beauty. Her heart is pure and gentle and deep and we love each other so much it makes our tummies giggle.
And as we sat, we spoke of our hearts and their deepest desires and their longings and their struggles and I knew what she meant when she said, "I just don't understand."

I sat last night and participated in the nighttime ritual of putting 3 children under the age of 4 to bed. We bathed them, and sang songs, and snuggled and put footies on them and tucked their little bottoms into bed and read books and gave kisses. And then my dearest friend and I sat on a couch together and had long meaningful talks while sharing a blanket. She understands me to the depths of my soul. I am silly with her and I long for the day she can hold my babies and teach them songs and tell them about love and life and our adventures we've shared in together. And my heart screamed to her...help me understand!

THE GAME.
Hi. Do I look ok? What is he thinking? Why did he call? Why didn't he call? What should I say? Styling my hair, doing my makeup, all in hopes of just looking like I didn't spend too much time. Knowing that I am beautiful and wanting someone else to notice. Being myself fully and hoping that who that person is will be mind blowingly precious. To one heart, to one guy. And will he be breathtaking? Does his character make me sing? Letting go of baggage. Speaking honestly about everything. Not holding back. Not losing myself. Interdependently looking at the other smack in the face and realizing that it would be nice to walk next to someone, not behind or in front of, but next to.

THE WISH.
Today's the day. My barefeet girlfriends in gorgeous sundresses. The guys busting out sunglasses with their fancy duds. Dum, dum, duh duh....Sunshine everywhere. Sushi. Fried Chicken. Coleslaw and mom's potatoe salad. Simple Elegance. Two becoming one. The ADAM. Vows that begin a journey. And the daily testing of love. Of choice. Of seprateness. Leaning on the trinity to overcome loss of control. The pains. The laughter. The dreams shared. The hard hard hard work of communicating. Of learning to let go. To give. To receive. Coming home to your someone.

THE DREAM.
Missing a period. Feeling the kick from the inside. Ultrasonic pictures. Labor. breast feeding. Welcoming someone into this world. Sharing your genes. The AWESOME responsiblity of teaching and growing up and discipline and love that comes from somewhere that cannot be explained fully. Birthdays. Snuggling. Grandparents and the gift they are. A fresh understanding of your own parents. Siblings. Another one on it's way. Firsts and seconds and lasts. The family unit.


And I'm left still with a question...understand?