just writing

pain, just feels like that. pain.
Today, I felt it in different ways than I had felt it before and it struck me that if you don't let it have it's all important stance that takes ones life over, it truely can be just that. for a day, for a moment, pain.
The key for me was communication with my Jesus and feeling it.

Words hurt me and I'm trying to figure that whole thing out.
I grieved the loss of a love, of a dream, of a wish.
I soothed part of that pain with cheetos and a good book and spoke truth about how much it did hurt.
I imagined running away from it.
And then heard, declare it.
And I'm trying to reconcile the difference.
To find where I stand
where I feel is rock
and that feels good.

Which didn't make the pain go away, it just made the pain very real.
But not horrific like I thought.
The pink monster didn't have to be brought out.
To soothe.

******************
back in my soul there is a place where we sit and talk.
I picture it like a dressing room, like the one at Emmett's. But it's a big bigger.
There are comfy old couches that you fall into and you sit there waiting for me with such the loving look on your face.
You say words like PROUD OF YOU, and WAY TO GO.
You compliment my choice of shoes and admire my new tatoo